I am totally in love with the library in my town. I must've taken out at least 20 cds since I got a card, and took out two movies today to chill out and veg and watch. The sun is out, it's chilly, and have a strange feeling that i might call contentment today.

I don't think I've ever felt more alone than I do right now.

I just had the most difficult conversation with my mom, since the last time I told her I was severely depressed. I try to avoid talking to her about most things, but when it is going to affect how fucked up my life already is, I have to get my point across, whatever means necessary. And if that means sucking up my pride and talking to her, then so be it. I told her bringing my sister back here to live is the biggest mistake of her life. What kind of person abandons their two kids in their native country to come live somewhere they are not wanted by 2 out of the 3 people residing there? The only reason my dad hasn't objected wholeheartedly to her coming here, is so that he can talk tons of shit about my mom to her and further divide our already fucked up household. Over my dead body that is going to happen. I may not get along with my mother, but there's no way I'm going to let that stupid son of a bitch sabotage her and use my sister as bait. Sigh....there are too many cracks in this family and there's no way it could ever be fixed.

The only reason I've ever wanted children is to rear them knowing what a family should be like. I hope my mom takes heed and realizes the right thing to do before it's too late.

I can't shake this little feeling, I'll never get anything right.

Fuck Tumblr.

I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. This is the closest I've ever been to wanting to call it quits.

I'm getting rid of this blog, because I made a tumblr and I absolutely love it. So make one yourselves and follow me. www.ribbonsandsugar.tumblr.com PEACEOUT!

Optimism is not a choice, it's a belief.

I wish I were more of an optimist.

I was an ass for thinking that depending on someone else to make me happy was wrong. In fact, he is the only person who does anything to make me feel like I fucking matter. I have no friends around here, and I have no compatibility with the ones I do have that live far away. I'm broke and I can't see anybody, and nobody bothers to come fucking see me. And if that means Richard is my crutch, so be it, at least I can count on him.

It is obvious that I am depending too much on another person for my own happiness and I should stop.

I'm doing better now.

I had a really good weekend, it didn't really go as planned, but hey, such is life. As long as I got to spend it with Richard, I really don't care. I really need to find a new job though, being broke sucks and it's only the first week lol. I LOOOOVE though how my bastard sperm donor piece o fshit dad, feels it's his right to lecture me about quitting before I find something else, as if he gives a fuck whether I'm employed or not. Who cares? It's not like he ever EVER has lended me his help when I needed it. Fucking asshole.

Anyways, 5 more days til my sister leaves and I can go back to being the reclusive asshole I've become when I'm in this apartment. I've come to terms with the fact that my boyfriend is my best friend and the second I see him walk through the door, I miss him terribly. Louise, Casey, Zanida, all of my girl bestfriends live too far away. And it fucking sucks. Sometimes you just need to talk shit and paint each other's nails. Sigh, I miss that.

When I go to sleep and Richard isn't there, my bed just feels big and empty.

I can't stop crying.

Not gonna lie, I just stole my dad's MJ cds and burned them all into my discography. His music always made you feel good, no matter WHAT.

I listened to Through Being Cool 3 times today back to back to back. I absolutely adore that album. I used to for years think that Stay What You Are is Saves the Day's best album and my favorite of all time, but Through Being Cool is now my current favorite from them, it blows my mind everytime I listen to it. It's really hard nowadays for me to find an album that I can listen to all th eway through and not skip tracks or just listen to my favorites, but in which every song IS a favorite.

So since I'm bored, and Richard just went home for the night, I'm going to list my top 15 'listen all the way through' albums. And these aren't necessarily some of my favorite albums of all time, they are just solid, amazing cds.

1. Third Eye Blind-Self titled
2. New Found Glory-Self Titled
3. Paint it Black-New Lexicon
4. Paint it Black-CVA
5. We Are the Union-Who We Are
6. Saves the Day-Through Being Cool
7. Four Year Strong-Rise or Die Trying
8. Finch-What it is to Burn
9. Vampire Weekend-Self Titled
10. Gatsbys American Dream-Ribbons and Sugar
11. Thursday-Full Collapse
12. Deathcab for Cutie-Transatlanticism
13. Fiona Apple-Tidal
14. Jimmy Eat World-Bleed American
15. The Rocket Summer-Calendar Days

I feel like I hardly spend enough time with you, and I do not like it one little bit. I feel like a clingy, annoying bitch.

I fucking hate living here. It's to the point where I don't talk to either of these motherfuckers unless I absolutely have to. I can't stand either of them. AT ALL.

I can honestly say this, without feeling awkward, or being afraid that he'll see it, only because he feels the same way but, I could wake up next to you everyday for the rest of my life and never tire of it.

This always happens. Always. I must have something about me that makes people drift away or something. I don't understand how I could go from hanging out with someone every day, and considering them one of my closest friends, to never talking, never seeing, and not knowing a fucking thing going on in her life. I'm tired of it. I don't fucking deserve it, and you know what? There is NOTHING wrong with me, I'ma great friend, I've been nothing but good to you and all for you to fucking up and drop me last year, and then completely stop talking to me as soon as I got a boyfriend. You're a shitty person, and you're selfish, and that is exactly why you are still fucking alone.

I just wanted to let you know, I've got your backs.

Another weekend without you.

I don't know why I'm crying like a little bitch right now. I think it's because this whole fucking week has been a gigantic DISASTER, everything I planned got fucked up, I'm lonely and hormonal and angry and I hate everything. I busted my asshole all week at work only to be told, oh nevermind, you did all of taht shit for NOTHING because corporate isn't coming anymore, I barely saw Richard and tonight was like the icing on the fucking cake for being angry about that. I don't know, I just really want to scream into a fucking pillow, or off of my rooftop, or in someone's fucking ears. I'm angry I'm angry I'm angry. And I don't know how to stop being angry.

I don't know what to do about these feelings of anger and disappointment anymore. Trying to suppress it just makes it worse.