I can't stop this freight train feeling, rolling over me.

I am so tired it's fucking unreal. I had a good time last night though, that venue was NASTY and a totalllll sausage fest and gross. But WATU played a fucking fantastic set, it was so good to see them again, I always have a lot of fun when they are around. I think today will be a better crowd and more importantly, Jeremy and Val are coming with us so it's going to be pretty much as amazing as December's show.

I have a job interview Tuesday morning with a financial office. I hope to GOD I get it. I am so fucking sick of retail and customers and BULLSHIT. Fuck. I pretty much had my mind set of just not showing up to Burlington anymore, but I know I need them as a reference, and that wouldn't make me look good. Bastards. Anyways, I am going to drink massive amounts of coffee and thank Christ that inventory is over at least. PAYCE.

Lately, I always feel like a big pile of shit.

Just another reason to keep loving give up the ghost

Sitting only cause I couldn't stand towalk much further under black skies with watered eyes
I was watching the tide rolling in
and I was thinking I should move from here and start again
My legs barely hold all of my heart and soul
My ears hardly hear, only our sound is clear
My mouth merely moves, the words just disappear
My eyes see so clear, a reason to care
Maybe we weren't supposed to wake up today
Leaving the room only to celebrate that nothing's changed
If I was there, if you were here
The world could end, I wouldn't care
So wake me up never, please
Lock the door and lose the keys
To set the record straight-
I never could relate and just when it all went wrong, you sang a different song.
Never knew someone that knew how the years had been
And I never thought that I would ever end up like this
So hidden, for and gone, I'm so crowded alone
And I hope you understand, you fixed my broken plan

I have to tell myself this everyday, and it's working less and less.

We all try to make a dent, we're just flesh and bone.

It can't be normal to love paint it black as much as I do. That may be the only good thing Josh ever did for me. But fuck him.

I can't believe how much my parents fight. I'm afraid one of them is going to stab the other one at some point. Two people can't live together this long and just fight and fight and fight without there being some awful violent boiling point. I worry about them constantly, and as much as I hate my dad, I wish he weren't so hateful and angry all of the time. I'm angry all of the time, but I'm not totally self absorbed and ONLY care about myself. I don't get it. I am so sad in this situation, I don't even know what to do anymore. I wish I was as delusional as I was when I was a kid and thought things were normal, and fighting was just what all people did.

That shit's not right.

It is absolutely unreal how much I love Augusten burroughs. Ugh, Sellevision was SO good.

It's also unreal how much I was bitching about missing hot weather last week, and for the past 4 days, it's been really fucking hot outside. I have enjoyed every second of it. Tomorrow, however unfortunately, it's back to freezing my ass off. Blah. I really wish I had seen the Fray in February when they played, I have been listening ot them nonstop lately and the new album is fantastic. I need a good show. I can't wait to see WATU for a couple of days next month, I miss those dudes and I miss dancing and having a good time with my friends.

I know I hate my job, and it makes me really miserable and angry and disgruntled, but I have so much to be thankful for. I sometimes sit back and realize how much of a brat I must sound like. I don't feel like a brat today though, today I have nothing to complain about. I'm filled with gratitude.

I want to go to Barbados so bad. I miss my brother a LOT. I worry about him a lot, I miss my niece and nephew, I miss my sister, I miss the beach and the food and the sun and the fact that the rain smells clean. I miss the obnoxious people and the music and the sand and my sister's neighbors. I miss everything. I don't feel like I belong in New York. I have always wondered why I am so miserable here. And now I know why. I don't really want to live here anymore. I feel like I don't belong. I can't take this rain, and the asshole people and the attitudes, and the pollution, and overall bullshit. I want the west coast. I want warm weather year round, I want to move far away from here.

I need a vacation. lately all I've been thinking about is how badly I want to quit my job and it's all I can think about. Ever. I'm not happy. I need a change, I need to get out of Burlington and take a break. And I am so

stuck there. I just want to take Richard and leave.