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Optimism is not a choice, it's a belief.

I wish I were more of an optimist.

I was an ass for thinking that depending on someone else to make me happy was wrong. In fact, he is the only person who does anything to make me feel like I fucking matter. I have no friends around here, and I have no compatibility with the ones I do have that live far away. I'm broke and I can't see anybody, and nobody bothers to come fucking see me. And if that means Richard is my crutch, so be it, at least I can count on him.

It is obvious that I am depending too much on another person for my own happiness and I should stop.

I'm doing better now.

I had a really good weekend, it didn't really go as planned, but hey, such is life. As long as I got to spend it with Richard, I really don't care. I really need to find a new job though, being broke sucks and it's only the first week lol. I LOOOOVE though how my bastard sperm donor piece o fshit dad, feels it's his right to lecture me about quitting before I find something else, as if he gives a fuck whether I'm employed or not. Who cares? It's not like he ever EVER has lended me his help when I needed it. Fucking asshole.

Anyways, 5 more days til my sister leaves and I can go back to being the reclusive asshole I've become when I'm in this apartment. I've come to terms with the fact that my boyfriend is my best friend and the second I see him walk through the door, I miss him terribly. Louise, Casey, Zanida, all of my girl bestfriends live too far away. And it fucking sucks. Sometimes you just need to talk shit and paint each other's nails. Sigh, I miss that.

When I go to sleep and Richard isn't there, my bed just feels big and empty.

I can't stop crying.