He's going to fuck you up again.

I don't have the mental capacity or patience to deal with the female species for the next month. Unless your name is Zanida, back the fuck up.

Hey, can someone tell me if Two Tongues are really THAT good, or if people are just all over their dicks because Max Bemis and Chris Conley are a part of it? I personally hate Max Bemis now, but I can't deny that when he smokes the stinky green, he comes up with some AMAZING MUSIC. That being said, ever since he's sobered up and started taking meds, Say Anything has turned into complete garbage. Probably why I am so skeptical about this Two Tongues bullshit. I don't really listen to shit unless one of my friends refers it to me first, because I am lazy and also because I usually things are crap without reviews from people I know like the same shit that I do. So tell me, are they good? I refuse to listen on my own hahaha. I bet if they ARE anything decent, it's because the greatest man alive Chris Conley touched it. I need new Saves the Day, I'm getting antsy.

Paint it black is playing the knitting factory march 1st. Coming in like a motherfucking lion with that shit. I cannot WAIT.

The quality of your friends is something you should contemplate.

You're totally excluded from this rant, Richard <3

Sometimes I feel like I give too much of myself to other people. Whenever I get close to someone, or I feel like I can trust them, they ALWAYS fuck shit up. I'm tired of feeling that way, why can't you just be my friend and not make me feel like I constantly have to keep my guard up when we talk, or that I can't even believe a word that comes out of your mouth?

It makes me feel like I just shouldn't trust people anymore. How many times have I been fucked up by guys AND girls alike (friendship-wise of course for the females) and still haven't learned my lesson? I just want to shut myself off, so this doesn't keep happening. I've often wondered why when I was in school I never went out of my way to get to know anybody after Louise moved away. There's just no fucking point. I know who my friends are, and I don't want anymore.

It hurts that I can't remember sunlight.

I really think my mom is way overdue for a huge cup of shut the fuck up. I can't take her nagging anymore. I can't even stand to hear her voice at this point. I was so happy to come home and relax before she came home and started laying into me about the same monotonous bullshit she is constantly laying into me about. Woman, PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP.

Anyways, I have pms. I'm going to be screaming at everyone all week. I wish I could put the entire world on mute and just listen to Richard. I haven't been this fucking angry or grouchy in ages. Ugh.

Granted, I've only had 2 serious boyfriends my entire life. But I've never felt 100 percent accepted by either of them. The first one never took me to his house, and though I knew his parents, it was just kind of an unspoken rule. The other one was just a straight up ASS that I wasted a year of my life on, and would not so much as introduce me to his mom because she didn't want him dating someone black. That shit ate at my self-esteem for years. I'm just glad that I can finally be comfortable around someone's family and not have to keep my guard up and feel like an outcast or not wanted. It's like all of my dignity is slowly growing back.

Anyways, I'm retardedly exhausted, so when I get home I'm gonna take a three hour nap. Later bitches.

My friend had her baby today. C-section. Scary ass business, but I'm so happy everything went okay and the baby is 6 pounds, she named her Bailey which is a fucking badass name. I can't wait to see her!!!! It's so funny because we always used to talk about being terrified of giving birth and how we'd never have kids, and she's the first one in my close circle to pop one out. Ironically, her twin sister is next to give birth.

I am not sure if I'll ever have children, it's still something I kind of have a neurotic feeling about. But if I do, I'm definitely not popping that thing out of my vag. Fuck THAT.

Today was pretty lame. Worked, boring as fuck, cut my hours in half. I need a new job NOW. I don't know where to look, beggars can't be choosers in this current state the country's in. Retail sucks dick, I hate customer service. Blah blah blah whine whine whine. I just want to sleep this frustration away. But I can't because I have to go back to work in the morning! Sometimes I really feel like just not ever showing up there again. In all seriousness, it's an every day kind of fucking feeling.

Whatever, I'm gonna finish reading this book and try to sleep despite my current irritations.

Better get some dough for the cheese that's about to come your way.

Jesus Christmas, I fucking love this kid. I don't know what I was doing this whole time without him in my life. I feel like my life has fucking gone from dismal and shitty and gray to technicolor and animated and I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm happy. I'm so fucking happy. I'm just not the same person, it's incredible. You're the best.

I've been having a lot of issues with my stomach lately. Last year I got a check up with the gastrologist guy or whatever the fuck the name of that stomach doctor is. Said I have a slight case of IBS. Said I should relax and eat better. Neither of which I have technically done. I'm going on a diet though, I have to stop eating so much shit and not realizing what it's doing to my stomach. On the inside, AND the outside, ew. I just want to feel comfortable, my stomach has constantly been the source of all of my problems. Everytime I feel any kind of emotion the effects go directly towards my stomach, it's so strange. I hope I can fix this.

In other news, Friday we're hittin' up the palisades, haven't been there in like a fucking year. I can't wait to buy shit and eat dinner. Maybe see a movie? I guess we'll see. I really just want to lay around and watch Spongebob all afternoon, but i have to go to work tonight. Boooo.

I have a strange infatuation with grapefruits. They're definitely my favorite fruit now. I started eating them every morning to try and feel healthy and now I fucking need one every day or I feel empty inside. Accordingly, we have none left and I must wait til Friday to buy a whole bunch of those fuckers. I can't wait, srsly.

Please stop wasting my fucking time asking me to hang out and then bailing on me two seconds before hand, probably because you made plans with someone else more fun to hang with than me. I am SO tired of this bullshit. Fucking grow a pair and tell me you don't feel like hanging out. And gimme me my motherfucking cds back. Fuck.

I forgot how much fun Mika is. I just danced like a total ass in my room for 40 minutes. It ruled.

Yoooooooooo, I'm so exhausted! I worked out last night FINALLY after a good 3 months of sitting on my ass every night after work it's really taken it's effect on me. I am too used to taking 2 hours naps and eating junk food every day and starting my affair with soda again has really royally fucked me up. Soooo, I busted mya ss last night and I'm feeling it way too hard right now. My ass is killing me, my back is killing me, my legs, my feet, my arms, jesus it hurts to fucking sit on my bed. I'm gonna sleep soooooooooooo good tonight.

It's a good hurt though, being healthy is awesome, but putting in the effort to get back to that place is so annoying and painful. lol.

If you want to destroy my sweater....

Sooooooo, I didn't get to see Jaime yesterday. I'm MAJORLY bummed out about that shit man. I was really looking forward to hanging out, buying music and eating Red Bamboo which I've ironically enough never had. Sigh. Ah well, I guess it's more of an excuse for me to visit her in VA. I am so tired of White Plains, and Westchester and all that it entails. I need a vacation. Maybe I will take my mom up on her offer to go to Barbados this year, I really miss my family and I REALLY miss my brother. He's been kind of down in the dumps a lot lately and I want to just see him and physically say he'll be fine.

Anyways, work went by really fast today. I'm starting ot think I should just suck it up and stay there a few more months. I mean unless I get a sweet nannying gig, there's no way I'll find a pay each week job like that elsewhere. I'm trying to be more of an optimist this year. We'll see how that pans out, but for now I'm going to get my shit back in order and from there on, things will definitely look up.

I want to start enjoying my life again and stop worrying about so many things that I only have SO much control over. Can I get a hell yeah?

I'd like to sound/come off as not SUCH an angry, insane person all of the time. I think I'm going to work on that. Because I'm really not THAT angry all of the time. My parents just constantly drive me to the brink of fucking insanity. Sigh.



Also vh1 plays the best music videos at 4 am. I have no idea why I am awake right now. I just woke up out of a deep fucking sleep and I can't lay back down right away. I have so many things on my mind.

My dad is such a fucking faget, seriously. I JUST WALKED THROUGH THE GODDAMN DOOR. I've been on my feet all fucking morning and afternoon and as soon as I sit down he starts hysterically ringing the fucking doorbell for me to come downstairs and bring shit up. Dumb motherfucker. And you want to know how many bags were down there? 2 FUCKING BAGS. I want to kick him in the fucking face.

I swear to god, the day I move out of here, they won't know where the fuck I'm going or whether I'm dead or alive. I'm cutting my parents off.

I really have no idea why I am awake right now. i am fucking tired out of my skull and have to wake up at 9 am for my wack ass job. Richard came over today with his sister and we rented Wall-E, even though the ghetto ass dvd didn't work and was all sorts of fucked up , so we ended up watching Harold and Kumar instead. Nothing beats a good weed movie, srsly. On monday I get to see my homegirl, Jaime who came to visit from VA and I am so stoked. I missed her so much.

I HAVE TO START RUNNING AGAIN. I don't give a fuck how cold it is, I need to buy some sweats, stretch and get out on the street again I feel so fucking fat and out of shape, it's disgusting. I can't sit around here fucking waiting til March to roll around. NO excuses, time to stop being a sloth.

Ugh.

I want to quit my job. I want to quit my job. I have been so fucking financially irresponsible the past 6 months, that is not even an option. It's making me immensely depressed. I don't know what to fucking do. I didn't go in today because I feel like shit and I pretty much woke up just now. At nearly 3:30. This is really sad. I have to wake the fuck up and get my life together. I'm falling behind, and I'm falling behind FAST.

Thuuug Liiiife.

Can I stress how much I love stoner movies? For someone who hates weed so very diabolically much, I can't get enough of them. They are hilarious. And Pineapple Express has taken Half Baked's place in my heart as my absolute favorite. Today after work, Richard's buying it and we're going to watch it and die laughing. I am soooooooo stoked. Seth Rogan is the motherfuckin' MAN.