I am totally in love with the library in my town. I must've taken out at least 20 cds since I got a card, and took out two movies today to chill out and veg and watch. The sun is out, it's chilly, and have a strange feeling that i might call contentment today.

I don't think I've ever felt more alone than I do right now.

I just had the most difficult conversation with my mom, since the last time I told her I was severely depressed. I try to avoid talking to her about most things, but when it is going to affect how fucked up my life already is, I have to get my point across, whatever means necessary. And if that means sucking up my pride and talking to her, then so be it. I told her bringing my sister back here to live is the biggest mistake of her life. What kind of person abandons their two kids in their native country to come live somewhere they are not wanted by 2 out of the 3 people residing there? The only reason my dad hasn't objected wholeheartedly to her coming here, is so that he can talk tons of shit about my mom to her and further divide our already fucked up household. Over my dead body that is going to happen. I may not get along with my mother, but there's no way I'm going to let that stupid son of a bitch sabotage her and use my sister as bait. Sigh....there are too many cracks in this family and there's no way it could ever be fixed.

The only reason I've ever wanted children is to rear them knowing what a family should be like. I hope my mom takes heed and realizes the right thing to do before it's too late.

I can't shake this little feeling, I'll never get anything right.

Fuck Tumblr.

I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. This is the closest I've ever been to wanting to call it quits.

I'm getting rid of this blog, because I made a tumblr and I absolutely love it. So make one yourselves and follow me. www.ribbonsandsugar.tumblr.com PEACEOUT!

Optimism is not a choice, it's a belief.

I wish I were more of an optimist.

I was an ass for thinking that depending on someone else to make me happy was wrong. In fact, he is the only person who does anything to make me feel like I fucking matter. I have no friends around here, and I have no compatibility with the ones I do have that live far away. I'm broke and I can't see anybody, and nobody bothers to come fucking see me. And if that means Richard is my crutch, so be it, at least I can count on him.

It is obvious that I am depending too much on another person for my own happiness and I should stop.

I'm doing better now.

I had a really good weekend, it didn't really go as planned, but hey, such is life. As long as I got to spend it with Richard, I really don't care. I really need to find a new job though, being broke sucks and it's only the first week lol. I LOOOOVE though how my bastard sperm donor piece o fshit dad, feels it's his right to lecture me about quitting before I find something else, as if he gives a fuck whether I'm employed or not. Who cares? It's not like he ever EVER has lended me his help when I needed it. Fucking asshole.

Anyways, 5 more days til my sister leaves and I can go back to being the reclusive asshole I've become when I'm in this apartment. I've come to terms with the fact that my boyfriend is my best friend and the second I see him walk through the door, I miss him terribly. Louise, Casey, Zanida, all of my girl bestfriends live too far away. And it fucking sucks. Sometimes you just need to talk shit and paint each other's nails. Sigh, I miss that.

When I go to sleep and Richard isn't there, my bed just feels big and empty.

I can't stop crying.

Not gonna lie, I just stole my dad's MJ cds and burned them all into my discography. His music always made you feel good, no matter WHAT.

I listened to Through Being Cool 3 times today back to back to back. I absolutely adore that album. I used to for years think that Stay What You Are is Saves the Day's best album and my favorite of all time, but Through Being Cool is now my current favorite from them, it blows my mind everytime I listen to it. It's really hard nowadays for me to find an album that I can listen to all th eway through and not skip tracks or just listen to my favorites, but in which every song IS a favorite.

So since I'm bored, and Richard just went home for the night, I'm going to list my top 15 'listen all the way through' albums. And these aren't necessarily some of my favorite albums of all time, they are just solid, amazing cds.

1. Third Eye Blind-Self titled
2. New Found Glory-Self Titled
3. Paint it Black-New Lexicon
4. Paint it Black-CVA
5. We Are the Union-Who We Are
6. Saves the Day-Through Being Cool
7. Four Year Strong-Rise or Die Trying
8. Finch-What it is to Burn
9. Vampire Weekend-Self Titled
10. Gatsbys American Dream-Ribbons and Sugar
11. Thursday-Full Collapse
12. Deathcab for Cutie-Transatlanticism
13. Fiona Apple-Tidal
14. Jimmy Eat World-Bleed American
15. The Rocket Summer-Calendar Days

I feel like I hardly spend enough time with you, and I do not like it one little bit. I feel like a clingy, annoying bitch.

I fucking hate living here. It's to the point where I don't talk to either of these motherfuckers unless I absolutely have to. I can't stand either of them. AT ALL.

I can honestly say this, without feeling awkward, or being afraid that he'll see it, only because he feels the same way but, I could wake up next to you everyday for the rest of my life and never tire of it.

This always happens. Always. I must have something about me that makes people drift away or something. I don't understand how I could go from hanging out with someone every day, and considering them one of my closest friends, to never talking, never seeing, and not knowing a fucking thing going on in her life. I'm tired of it. I don't fucking deserve it, and you know what? There is NOTHING wrong with me, I'ma great friend, I've been nothing but good to you and all for you to fucking up and drop me last year, and then completely stop talking to me as soon as I got a boyfriend. You're a shitty person, and you're selfish, and that is exactly why you are still fucking alone.

I just wanted to let you know, I've got your backs.

Another weekend without you.

I don't know why I'm crying like a little bitch right now. I think it's because this whole fucking week has been a gigantic DISASTER, everything I planned got fucked up, I'm lonely and hormonal and angry and I hate everything. I busted my asshole all week at work only to be told, oh nevermind, you did all of taht shit for NOTHING because corporate isn't coming anymore, I barely saw Richard and tonight was like the icing on the fucking cake for being angry about that. I don't know, I just really want to scream into a fucking pillow, or off of my rooftop, or in someone's fucking ears. I'm angry I'm angry I'm angry. And I don't know how to stop being angry.

I don't know what to do about these feelings of anger and disappointment anymore. Trying to suppress it just makes it worse.

I should learn to feel indifference about somethings instead of having opinions so powerful they push people away.

I have nothing to update about because my life is monotonous and bland. But in terms of love it is anything but. Yesterday was 5 months and you continue to amaze me each and every day that goes by. I love you.

Jordan, you're annoying me.

love those boys

Also, last night was awesome as per usual. We Are the Union, best guys, best band.

I just got into an argument with my mom about Gay marriage. I've never really talked to her about her brother being gay, or anything concerning gay people. I mean she knows I have plenty of gay friends and I love them all to death. But there was just something on the news about gay marriage and these two lesbians and their kids were being interviewed and she just got SO hateful out of nowhere! I was like, what the fuck is going on? What are you talking about???

She kept saying shit about the bible, and how it's wrong and blah blah blah. And I was like bitch, you don't even go to church! Stop trying to be a Christian, you're just being a hypocrite. It infuriated me that she could think a book that was written 1,000 years ago is still applicable today. Yeah, I believe in God and Jesus Christ, and I ALSO believe that they love everyone, and everyone is equal. If Jesus was so discriminatory, I'm sure he wouldn't have hung out with lepers and whores, and treat everyone with respect. I don't get it. Everyone is so quick to hate people for their choices, and as long as it's not destructive to other people, and it's progression, leave them alone. Nobody comes at you for choosing who you bump uglies with, shit.

Anyways, point being, I think her hatred comes from the fact that her brother died of AIDS, and she blames it on him being gay. Even though he could have gotten it from a woman too, sometimes I want to slap some sense into her.

I can't stop this freight train feeling, rolling over me.

I am so tired it's fucking unreal. I had a good time last night though, that venue was NASTY and a totalllll sausage fest and gross. But WATU played a fucking fantastic set, it was so good to see them again, I always have a lot of fun when they are around. I think today will be a better crowd and more importantly, Jeremy and Val are coming with us so it's going to be pretty much as amazing as December's show.

I have a job interview Tuesday morning with a financial office. I hope to GOD I get it. I am so fucking sick of retail and customers and BULLSHIT. Fuck. I pretty much had my mind set of just not showing up to Burlington anymore, but I know I need them as a reference, and that wouldn't make me look good. Bastards. Anyways, I am going to drink massive amounts of coffee and thank Christ that inventory is over at least. PAYCE.

Lately, I always feel like a big pile of shit.

Just another reason to keep loving give up the ghost

Sitting only cause I couldn't stand towalk much further under black skies with watered eyes
I was watching the tide rolling in
and I was thinking I should move from here and start again
My legs barely hold all of my heart and soul
My ears hardly hear, only our sound is clear
My mouth merely moves, the words just disappear
My eyes see so clear, a reason to care
Maybe we weren't supposed to wake up today
Leaving the room only to celebrate that nothing's changed
If I was there, if you were here
The world could end, I wouldn't care
So wake me up never, please
Lock the door and lose the keys
To set the record straight-
I never could relate and just when it all went wrong, you sang a different song.
Never knew someone that knew how the years had been
And I never thought that I would ever end up like this
So hidden, for and gone, I'm so crowded alone
And I hope you understand, you fixed my broken plan

I have to tell myself this everyday, and it's working less and less.

We all try to make a dent, we're just flesh and bone.

It can't be normal to love paint it black as much as I do. That may be the only good thing Josh ever did for me. But fuck him.

I can't believe how much my parents fight. I'm afraid one of them is going to stab the other one at some point. Two people can't live together this long and just fight and fight and fight without there being some awful violent boiling point. I worry about them constantly, and as much as I hate my dad, I wish he weren't so hateful and angry all of the time. I'm angry all of the time, but I'm not totally self absorbed and ONLY care about myself. I don't get it. I am so sad in this situation, I don't even know what to do anymore. I wish I was as delusional as I was when I was a kid and thought things were normal, and fighting was just what all people did.

That shit's not right.

It is absolutely unreal how much I love Augusten burroughs. Ugh, Sellevision was SO good.

It's also unreal how much I was bitching about missing hot weather last week, and for the past 4 days, it's been really fucking hot outside. I have enjoyed every second of it. Tomorrow, however unfortunately, it's back to freezing my ass off. Blah. I really wish I had seen the Fray in February when they played, I have been listening ot them nonstop lately and the new album is fantastic. I need a good show. I can't wait to see WATU for a couple of days next month, I miss those dudes and I miss dancing and having a good time with my friends.

I know I hate my job, and it makes me really miserable and angry and disgruntled, but I have so much to be thankful for. I sometimes sit back and realize how much of a brat I must sound like. I don't feel like a brat today though, today I have nothing to complain about. I'm filled with gratitude.

I want to go to Barbados so bad. I miss my brother a LOT. I worry about him a lot, I miss my niece and nephew, I miss my sister, I miss the beach and the food and the sun and the fact that the rain smells clean. I miss the obnoxious people and the music and the sand and my sister's neighbors. I miss everything. I don't feel like I belong in New York. I have always wondered why I am so miserable here. And now I know why. I don't really want to live here anymore. I feel like I don't belong. I can't take this rain, and the asshole people and the attitudes, and the pollution, and overall bullshit. I want the west coast. I want warm weather year round, I want to move far away from here.

I need a vacation. lately all I've been thinking about is how badly I want to quit my job and it's all I can think about. Ever. I'm not happy. I need a change, I need to get out of Burlington and take a break. And I am so

stuck there. I just want to take Richard and leave.

For the record, I'm feeling 100 percent better. I still have throat issues, but it'll be gone soon thanks to that amoxicillin. I don't think I will ever learn to 'calm down' and 'take it easy' I think being a paranoid, anxiety-ridden individual will haunt me until the end of my days. I try though, that definitely does NOT mean that I do not try. Sigh.

On that note, I look forward to nightmare-less, sweating-through-my-sheets-less nights of sleep again. Being sick really fucked me up. And although I enjoy being skinnier than I already was, being hungry allll of the time is more than making up for lost time. For the time being I am eating whatever I want until my weight is back to normal, it's pretty exciting.

It was really nice out today. 75 degrees, I wore shorts. It ruled. I can't wait until it feels like this (as a minimum) every day. Summer is the best season, and fall being the second best is right after it. So I am REALLY looking forward to the next couple of months.

I love you Abbie <3

On another note. I can't remember living through such a fucking horrible week, ever. EVER.

I feel like crawling in a hole and dying. I still can't hardly swallow my fucking food. Do you know how much it sucks ass to have to swallow your juice twice? I have to squeeze that shit down. I don't know why I'm not being fed in a fucking IV bag by now. I'm miserable, I'm lonely, I'm fuckin gpissed off and I have to go back to my deathcamp job in two hours. I just want to fucking give up.

24 now, weird. I don't feel old, I feel exactly the same. Oddly enough, I felt mad old when I turned 23. I think it's because the years don't even feel like years now, they just feel like months. I can't even believe it's already April. Happy Birthday to me!

I am so upset right now. If i weren't so fucking tired I'd be crying. I have gone out of my way, to be a good friend, to make time for people, to keep hanging out to fucking DO THINGS, and the only two people who seem to give a fuck are abbie, lookman and zanida. Everyone else has fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't had a boyfriend in 5 years. That's 5 years of being totally alone, depressed, thinking about being alone forever, and having absolutely no appeal to the opposite sex. I do NOT see Richard everyday. I do NOT spend every waking fucking moment of my life with him, don't turn this shit around on me, and make it seem like since I have been a loner for so long that I am in desperate need of attention from my boyfriend and I 'have to be with him every goddamn second'. I fucking missed you, I tried to hang out, I made plans and you bailed and never rescheduled. I work fulltime, you work fulltime, it never stopped you from being one of my best friends before. I feel so fucking alienated, I feel like shit, and now I AM crying. Fuck this shit. Ugh.

It seems I've been hit with a huge wave of depression lately. I feel like I have no friends and no family and all I have is Richard. Which is not true, obviously. I have friends that matter, they just don't live closeby. My family....well that's still non-existent but I've learned to get by without them. I have got to learn to depend on myself. I really, really do, for my own benefit. I feel a lot better now though, this town has done way too much of a number on me, the whole time I've been living here (my whole life). I need a vacation, I need a break and I need to suck it up and keep going to my shitty job that I hate until I have enough money to move out and get out of White Plains. It's time to ship up.

Whenever I'm really frustrated or mad, I listen to really shitty metal and poppunk to make me feel better. That being said, I bought the new day to remember cd today to get me out of my funk. They are so fucking repetitive, but some of their songs make me feel SO much better. I must've listened to the kelly clarkson cover 393892783 times ina row, which is not on the new album, which makes me think I should've bought the old one instead, but still. In general, I'm not nearly as angry now. And that's really all that matters. This entry was such crap.

No laughter no loving no contact

Sorry this shit is turning just about as emo as my fucking livejournal. I've been so down in the dumps lately. I think I am at the age where I should not care about friends anymore, according to my mom...but it really sucks when you hate your job, and you hate being at home, and you have to come home directly after your shitty job because you have nobody to hang out with. And nobody wants to hang out. I don't know how many times I can gripe about this before it sinks in that they just don't care about me the way I care about them. I can't seem to let it go. I miss them. I miss them coming over and eating dinner and watching movies and talking shit and shopping and talking about life and how scared we are of everything. I have nobody to talk about those things with anymore, I'm tired of crying over lost friendships, and as much as I want to talk about this with them, they obviously don't care, because if they did, they'd be making as much of an effort as I do to t ry and hang out. I feel just as alone as I did last yea rand the year before that. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again, all I want is for Louise to come back home so I don't feel like I'm totally deserted.

Not much has been going on in this neck of the woods. Had the best weekend yet with Richard, he finally got to stay over and it was so peaceful to go to sleep and still have him there when I woke up again. I am goign to start running again this thursday. I am so excited. I have missed it so much, plus I am so fucking out of shape and need to stop sitting on my ass and eating teddy grahams and watching reality television like i'm fucking 34 years old. Speaking of 34, I'll be 24 in two weeks. I can't even believe how old I am getting. it scares the shit out of me, I have no idea what I am doing with my life still, sigh. I am running out of time it feels like and I don't even have like a clue anymore. It's so funny how set in your tracks you can be, and something stupid can happen to completely throw you off. I used ot know what I was meant to do for so many years and for hte past 2 years it's all gone out of the window and I don't know how or where to start over. I'd have to change my whole major. Because, honestly, what the fuck am I going to do with a communications major with this shit fucking economy? Ugh. I have to do some solid soul searching and figure this out....

In the meantime, I'm going to scrounge for some food and watch food network.

Holy shit son

WATCH THE TRAILER!!! OH man it looks so fucking amazing and cute and spectacular and gutwrenchingly awesome. Going to be the best movie ever ever ever ever EVER!

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/wherethewildthingsare/

Good ska recommendations please?...and GO!

Lovesit

They are making a Where The Wild Things Are movie and it looks fucking incredible just from the pictures. I cannot wait for this movie. I have never been more excited for any other film in my life besides the Chronicles of Narnia.

I'm fucking bored as shit and annoyed. There is nobody to hang out with. It's Saturday and I'm stuck in my goddamn room, I feel like breaking windows.

My bangs are crookedddd. Never trust a Dominican with a haircut. I guess I have to pay 25 dollars to get it straightened out at the mall. Anywho, I have begun to start a to-do list each week so that I can get my shit in order. My life is financially spiralling out of control, and if I ever want to get the fuck out of this apartment, I need to build back up my credit and stop dodging the freecreditreport.com commercials, and man the fuck up and deal. Which means pay my bills on time.

I left work earlyish today because I was too exhausted to do anything at all. I was going to die if I had to ticket one more pair of shoes. I get to see Richard tomorrow and I miss him so much. Uggghhhhhh 3 days is a long ass time. I want hugs. Stat.

Ramble

Been a while since one of my pointless updates. Thursday, we were supposed to go see Fireworks, since I assumed the paint it black show would be sold out...and it was. Which marks the possible millionth time I've missed that fucking band play. So they changed the venue for the Fireworks show at the last minute, and it ended up being in some ass backwards town in Connecticut...2 and a half hours from my house so after we all got here, we realized we wouldn't make it. Decided to go to the Palisades instead. I was in such a bad mood all afternoon, that was one of the hardest days I've had to go through. For other reasons, I guess my pms was just flaming beyond all repair.

Friday I went to the city with Richard, Abbie, and Lookman and it fucking ruled. I always miss the hell out of those two. 2 people that I wish lived closer to make up for the sorry excuses for 'friends' that I have in westchester. My long lost siblings. Anyways, and then yesterday I just hung out with Richard again, I spent most of the weekend with him it ruled, But I always still get bummed when he has to leave. Like I said, my life is in autopilot when he's not there. I'm always done with these corny twilight books. The last one has been the best so far, totally fucking nuts, I feel like I wasted like 1200 pages of nonsense out of my life to get to the violence and awesomeness in the last book. Rules.

Anyways, Final Destination 2 is on, and anyone who knows me should know how much I love those movies and how hilarious they are. I hope they show the 3rd one after. Saw Role Models for the first time last night. It was the shit, why is Paul Rudd the motherfuckin' MAN? I can't WAIT til I love you, Man comes out.

Customer-"I'd like a refund for this krabby patty."
Mr. Krabs-"Well, what's wrong with it?"
Customer-"Oh nothing...except that its covered in TEARS!!!"

I feel so bad when I can't see him everyday. I always get my spirits up to see him after work and then when it doesn't happen, I am so disappointed. I should quit being such a fucking baby. I had blood taken today and I can't even fucking sit up straight. Everything is practically blurry. I have absolutely no energy to do anything. I think I'm going to die if I don't take iron soon. Fuck everything right now.

It's pulling you under, it's gripping around your throat.

This entry is going to seem more like I'm talking to myself than anybody else. I'd rather everyone not read it in all honesty but I can't write in my real journal, I'd fucking have convulsions from crying so much.

I don't have a family. It's pretty much just random members that interact with each other, my mom, me, my brother, Zanida, my sister and my nieces and nephew. Everyone hates each other. And it's not like 'oh she's related to me but i don't like him/her' kind of hate. These people do such poisonous things to each other, and say such hateful shit to each other. And they're all fucking 'Christians' is what I don't understand. This is PRECISELY why I have absolutely no desire to go back to church. I'm not going to sit around a bunch of hypocrites and I'm one myself, I'm not fuckin gperfect, never said I was, but I'm not going to ask for forgiveness for things I'm going to keep on doing. In vain. Fuck that. God can judge me on his own time, but it won't be in church. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

I was reading tonight in my room, and I overheard my mom talking to my sister in Barbados, because anyone that knows my mom, KNOWS that she doesn't talk ever, she yells. She's talking to her about my dad who I often refer to as the sperm donor. I constantly, ever since I was a child, had this instinctive notion to try and get my father to love me. He never has, because he only loves himself and only ever will. He does not even care about his own mother. Who, btw is the kindest person ever. But it's failed, he's always shown me time and time again that I mean nothing to him. His wife means nothing to him. His son means nothing to him. All he cares about is money. It hurts. It's a void that will never be filled. And I don't try to fill it, I just am filled with so much ANGER and hate towards this man. I go back and forth constantly, wishing he were dead, and trying to form some kind of forgiveness towards him. But everytime and I try and forgive him for fucking up all of our lives, he goes and does something to make me hate him all over again.

I don't like hating people. I never have, I battle with anger every single day of my life and most of the time I lose. But I don't like hating people, especially people who should be close to me, people I should love. I just can't love someone who blatantly goes out of their way to hurt me and my mom and my brother and everyone else I care about. Fuck that. So, I digress. My mom's on the phone, telling my sister horror stories about my dad and how he's managed to get everyone in his life to hate him, and everytime she tells these stories my heart feels like it's dying right in my chest. I usually don't hang out with my mother intentionally because the conversation ALWAYS goes back to my dad and how much of a selfish dick he is. I can't help but wonder how sadistic my mom must be, staying with someone like that all of this time and not doing ANYTHING to get out. It's like she likes living in misery, I know she's not weak. She's proven time and time again to be a very strong woman. I've only seen my mom cry two times my entire life. But she keeps all of that anguish bottled up and I'm so scared that one day she is going to fucking implode.

I'm just tired of living like this, with my family all hating each other, my parents hating each other, me hating them separately for their own bullshit. I want to love my family, I want to have a family that can get along. I want to go to my grandmother's house and feel like I'm wanted there, not like my aunt and uncle are waiting for me to leave. This all has come barrelling down on me at once and I just want to crawl in a hole and cry for days.

It's crippling me.

So this afternoon, Casey met me at my job and came over my house just like old times and we sat in my living room, ate tons of junkfood and watched Dexter all afternoon into tonight. Then my mom came home and made us turkey burgers and fries. It was just like old times, and by old times i mean a year ago. I miss her so much sometimes. And it saddens me because she never moved except one town over. I have lost seemingly all of my best friends and it bums me out so much, I'm just glad that for one night I could feel like we're still tight.

I've been a total beast with food lately. Not even like eating too much, but eating a ton of SHIT and not real food. My mom who pretty much only cooks once a week now, which means I really only eat a home cooked meal once a week...the rest of the nights I eat out. Which is making my stomach turn on me like there is no tomorrow and causing me to feel like a fucking sloth. Ugh, I have to learn how to cook. I JUST DO. It's also currently 4 am and I should be sleeping.

I had the most crazy night ever and I don't know how my eyes are going to close anytime soon. I love this boy more and more every fucking day.

PIZZA BAGELS YESSSS

I was so excited to try and apply at American Apparel, I don't know how they do shit there, but I was late for the open call due to public transportation circumstances, and when I showed up the lady told me that they already hired everyone. I am CONVINCED it's because I'm not a hipster. I'm so bummed, I feel like I am never going to escape Burlington. Fuckkkkkkkkkk that. Anyways, I got a haircut today. It rules. I finally feel like I can look in the mirror and say 'Well, I'd fuck me.'

I'm tired of you.

It deeply irritates me that I can't have a normal relationship with my mother. I have stopped trying to have any sort of emotional attachment to my dad years ago, I've been living with a stranger by all means in that sense. But my mom, who I have tried time and time again to connect with, to any fucking extent, still sees me as some kind of disappointment. Today I tried to tell her that I'm goign to a show with Matt tomorrow, instead of saying 'okay, have fun' she jumps down my throat about how I have to go to work the next day, and how I should just stay home and 'rest'. Bitch, I never do anything! I NEVER GO OUT. If you consider going to the movies every two weeks and being at the mall every fucking night (usually by myself) having a good time, something is seriously wrong with you. I'm sick of trying to even form solid sentences around this woman, it ALWAYS ENDS IN A FIGHT. I'm not 15 years old anymore, you can't tell me what to do, you can't make me stay inside every night of the week like it's a fucking school night, I'M NOT IN SCHOOL. I'm fucking shaking I'm so angry everything makes me so fucking angry, I just can't take it anymore. I just have to get out of here. Fuck my life.

I've done nothing my entire goddamn useless life but listen to everything she says and do everything she wants. I'm going to be 24 next month and I still do everything she wants me to do, I'm sick of it, I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of being a disappiontment. She can go fuck herself.

I live with two strangers now.

I am such a brat. I can't see Richard for like 2-3 days which adds up to 4-5 total and it fucking sucks ass. The only time I'm even in a good mood nowadays is when he's around. Shitty. And it's not like anybody else ever wants to fucking do anything so I'm becoming besties with my cat again. At least on Wednesday I get to see Four Year Strong. I'm going to beat up teenagers and get the rage out. Fuck yeah.

I need anger management. I wish I had health insurance still, I need to learn to control these feelings. When I get mad, I cannot calm down. My hands sweat, my blood boils, I need to break things, I get mad at whoever is in the fucking same vicinity. And it doesn't take anything to piss me off. It does not take ANYTHING, to send me spiralling. But you're the exception, I never wanted to get mad at you, I never want to get mad at you, because that hurts me too. Whereas when I get mad at anyone else in the world I do not care. I'm sorry.

I guess I never really looked at my calendar correctly, because the Fireworks show and the paint it black show are both on the same fucking night. I've never seen PIB and I'm dyinggggg to. But I'm also dying to see Fireworks. So much confusion, someone help me decide!

I'm going to get an ulcer from all of this built up frustration.

ANYWAYS, thankfully I'm off all weekend but I don't think I will be able to do much. I don't know, I have nothing to update about, it's just like Louise said, we BOTH never grew out of our teenage angst. Just into a pathetic self-loathing adult phase. Fuck me.

Give Up.

I give too much of myself to people that I call my friends and then I get disappointed when they don't live up to my expectations. I should know better. I've been so miserable about this for the past couple of months and nothing is changing. Nobody is making me feel any different about this situation. I feel like I just need to tell everyone to fuck off and start from scratch that are supposed to be my best friends. How much longer can you stand disappointment before you just say, I give up?

Give me something to break?

This will be me for the rest of this week. I wish I could sleep through the next 4 days.

Tonight was life changing.

Is it possible to be almost 24 and still not feel like you fit in?

I feel like I have nothing in common with the people who are supposed to be my 'best friends' aside from Zanida. It makes me feel like shit.

My mom was right. I'm just not like them.

I need to start watching Grey's Anatomy again.

I hate living here. Everyday I wake up I feel like this apartment is stealing more of my life away from me. My mom is driving me to the point of fucking INSANITY. I seriously mean it. I can't have a single fucking thought to myself. I just want to be able to relax. I can't even fucking take a nap without her calling me every two goddamn fucking minutes. I'm so angry all of the time, I feel like my head is going to explode. Every second that goes by in this room I feel like crying or breaking windows. Teenagers are supposed to be going through this shit, not someone on the verge of fucking 24 years old. Fuck. I can't control this at all, every morning I just want to leave and not come back and I feel like I'm going to strangle her. I am so upset. And the worst part about all of this is this is all of my fault. If I had been responsible, if I had done what I needed to get done, fuck I could have been out of here ages ago. I always mess up. I ALWAYS mess everything up. I hate feeling sorry for myself. But I just need to cry and feel better and start all over again, because right now I feel like the biggest failure. And nothing rubs failure in better than my mother.

It's such BULLSHIT that they got rid of Fabio from top chef. Jesus. I am so bummed. They got rid of everyone that was awesome. Carla better take that shit home, or heads will be ROLLING.

I had a really good day today. It was one of those days that was just really relaxing and good from start to finish. Sad that I have to go back to the shitpile known as my job tomorrow. Although, I'm thinking I have a really good chance at landing that office job. My mom's boss is gonna show me around at some point, so hopefully they take me! And if they do, peace the fuck OUT Burlington, UGH.

Stupid cat just scared me halfway to death. I fucking thought the zombie apocalypse was finally upon us when I woke up from my awful night nap and heard this loud scratching at my fire escape window that I so intelligently left wide open. That OR a raccoon which would both be fucking terrifying. But no. It was just Peter, clawing at a raccoon that wasn't being creepy people-handed...he was just chilling outside. That cat drives me fucking insane sometimes.

Anyways, I've not been utilizing my gym membership. Instead I've been eating everything in fucking sight. I am such a fat ass. Tomorrow gym or bust.

Someday you'll understand that everything is A-OK.

I saw the twins today. Odalis and Omaris. They came into the store to say hi. Odalis is SO pregnant. They both look beautiful. And I got to see Omaris' baby again. Such a cute kid already, and really quiet. I guess she takes after her mom. This is going to turn into a rant in a bit, but I wanted to just say that I guess when you're pregnant you really do glow or some shit, because they both just looked radiant.

Anyways, I've never been one to rush into relationships. It's just one reason I've been alone for ages. I would rather be by myself, than be with someone who treated me like shit, hurt me, cheated on me, or played games with me. That being said, Odalis has to go to court on Wednesday for domestic violence. That stupid son of a fucking cow that she's married to beats her. I can't fathom someone my own age being stuck in a situation like that, these are two of my favorite people, and when she told me all of that shit I wanted to fucking cry. It really hit a little too close to home. The saddest part is that she is choosing to stay upstate with him. It's sad. Really sad and gross, that someone cn have that much control over somebody. I know she's afraid, but I hope she makes the right fucking decision and comes back home so that her kid can be safe when it's born. I have NEVER trusted that stupid asshole she chose to marry, I've hated him AND his brother ever since high school and now I have even more of a reason to. I had better not ever, EVER see him on the street. Because I will bash his fucking face in.

Ugh, it just irritates me. Because as much as I love the twins, they've always been the kind of girls to rush into dating people. I know their parents were REALLY strict, and always wanted to control them and tell them waht to do, and now they're dating people and are married to guys that do the same. When is the right time to break that kind of lifestyle? Maybe they thought being with someone would save them from their parents, but in reality it just makes everything worse. Because at least your parents look out for your best interest, and these guys just want to stake a weird claim on them. It sickens me. It reminds me of my parents' relationship. And that always, ALWAYS makes me fucking sad.

I just hope the right thing happens in the end and Odalis comes back home.

Last night was Gaby's birthday shindig. It was a lot of fun. I of course got really nauseated though because me and Asian food do not mix. At all. But it was fun to watch them cook the food for us and everyone was really hilarious and then we went to see the Uninvited which was pretty awful. The ending was actually cool though, I was expecting your typical horror movie bullshit, but at least the end was solid.

I guess today is Valentine's day. I haven't had a valentine in 5 years....I never really gave a shit about this holiday because I've almost always been by myself on it. But I think today will be good. I'm still tired from yesterday though, so I'm gonna take a nap before Richard shows up.

Also, taking the last train is always a bad idea. Drunk people are embarrassingly stupid. If you are a woman and are falling all over yourself and screaming on a train and wearing fuck-me pumps, and smell like the bottom of a beer barrell, that is not fucking attractive. I've never thought drunk women were attractive, it's shows no fucking class whatsoever. Find a hobby, goddamn.

Sometimes I get unreasonably scared for no reason at all. I wouldn't classify it as paranoia...just anxiety. I think that is where the panic attacks come from. I almost had one a couple of nights ago. I fought it off with a glass of water. That usually helps. But for the most part, I've been battling this irrational fear of being alone my whole life. I'm not alone right now. But I am still afraid. What kind of life is a life lived in fear?

I need some rest. Some rest and to stop thinking so fucking much.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

The weather today was fucking beautiful. I was in work all morning/afternoon though so I really only got to enjoy 20 minutes of it. Fucking sucks. I'm about to go to the gym. Even though I missed most of it, it felt awesome to have the sun on my face and not have to thaw myself after I got back indoors. I don't care how bad my allergies are this year, I can't fucking wait for spring.

Yesterday was good, Richard came over and I kind of ended up smuggling him into my bed to sleep a few extra hours beside me which ruled. I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything in the world. Even after have a bad dream, I completely forgot what it was about when I woke up and he was right there. Le motherfucking sigh.

Something is seriously mentally wrong with that woman who had those fucking octuplets. First of all, isn't 6 babies at one time ENOUGH for a lifetime? MORE THAN ENOUGH? Sicko, seriously. And then to get invitro-ed again and 'accidentally' have 8? Woman, you need therapy. Maybe you have some sick addiction to popping 8 fetuses out of your vag at one time. Maybe in a past life you were a dog or a cat. Because only animals do shit like that. Creeper.

EVERYTIME I LOOK FOR YOU THE SUN GOES DOWN

As pissed off as i was all weekend, this news totally makes up for it.

Welcome back, Mark, Tom, and Travis.

I have been angry this entire weekend. I'm lucky I didn't get a fucking aneurism with the rate that my blood pressure is boiling. Fuck.

I hate blogger.

Here's the link for the entire picture. www.asofterworld.com

I joined the gym today. I know, I know, I know I've been totally against gyms for as long as I can remember. I hate the thought of PAYING to work out when I know perfectly well i can work out at home. For FREE. But, it's freezing fucking cold outside, and as much as I hate to admit to myself, running has become my other life and I can't run in this shit. I can do all the crunches and pushups and free weighting I want at home, but if I can't run, I feel like I just wasted an hour of my life. I need that fucking treadmill at least until it gets warm outside again. Then my mom can take over my membership.

I just cannot wait to run.

I am going in tomorrow after work and I'm going to sweat and be sore and it's going to fucking rule. Also it will help me get out all of the pent up anger I've been brewing in for the past week. I swear, I don't know what to do with myself sometimes.

Also,

Good day to wake up crying I suppose.

Last night when Richard came over, my parents were actually in the same room 'getting along'. I told him that shit only happens once a year. In other words, it's ALWAYS the quiet before the storm. I knew the sperm donor was brewing up a fight in his head. He always tricks my gullible mom into thinking he can be cordial and then he blows up at her the very next day. To my 'surprise' I woke up to him screaming at her at the top of his lungs....and it begins.

This shit never gets old, I swear, every fucking time they fight, it's like a knife going through me. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of crying over them and crying for my mom and crying because somehow I ALWAYS get thrown in the middle of their war. I'm never going to get out of here, I'm going to be stuck here forever. Please kill me.

New AIM sn. Pizza Plants. Add it.

humiliation at its best

That would be my triflin' sister. I remember when she first came ot visit she thought I was fucking cracked out. She may have been correct. I can't believe it was THAT bad. hahaha. But, but but my Blink wall totally made up for it. If you look to the left, you can see the beginnings of it lol. I also like how creative i got when i ran out of pictures i totally used stickers and made up my own shit. I was one braindead 16 year old lol.

Rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin', WHAT?!

he is legend are so fucking good.

Later tonight I have to upload the scary picture of my room circa 2001 when I still was in love with the LB and all that it entailed. I can't believe my room was covered ceiling to floor with limp bizkit bullshit. Seriously embarrassing, but I promised Peggy hahaha. It'll be entertaining at least. I kind of miss being 16. I didn't know it at the time, but fuck, those were good days. I took everything for granted. I take everything for granted.

I'm trying to slow my roll a little bit more and not let life slip through my fingers as fast. Being an optimist is draining.

Ouchiez.

I honestly don't want to pan out my own employment future here, because I know that wouldn't be for the best,...but I really don't know why my job hasn't fired me yet. I called out today because I feel like fucking hell. I CRAWLED out of bed this morning and I'ma bout to go right back in it. I hate my uterus, it's done nothing but cause me pain and torment my entire life. Ugh.

So yeah, I just applied at the Ritz Carlton, I have no hotel experience...but maybe they're desperate and will take me anyway. God, I need a new job. I'm about to hit up that daycare near my mom's job. Word.

I WANT THIS FUCKING WEEK TO BE OVER ALREADY.

He's going to fuck you up again.

I don't have the mental capacity or patience to deal with the female species for the next month. Unless your name is Zanida, back the fuck up.

Hey, can someone tell me if Two Tongues are really THAT good, or if people are just all over their dicks because Max Bemis and Chris Conley are a part of it? I personally hate Max Bemis now, but I can't deny that when he smokes the stinky green, he comes up with some AMAZING MUSIC. That being said, ever since he's sobered up and started taking meds, Say Anything has turned into complete garbage. Probably why I am so skeptical about this Two Tongues bullshit. I don't really listen to shit unless one of my friends refers it to me first, because I am lazy and also because I usually things are crap without reviews from people I know like the same shit that I do. So tell me, are they good? I refuse to listen on my own hahaha. I bet if they ARE anything decent, it's because the greatest man alive Chris Conley touched it. I need new Saves the Day, I'm getting antsy.

Paint it black is playing the knitting factory march 1st. Coming in like a motherfucking lion with that shit. I cannot WAIT.

The quality of your friends is something you should contemplate.

You're totally excluded from this rant, Richard <3

Sometimes I feel like I give too much of myself to other people. Whenever I get close to someone, or I feel like I can trust them, they ALWAYS fuck shit up. I'm tired of feeling that way, why can't you just be my friend and not make me feel like I constantly have to keep my guard up when we talk, or that I can't even believe a word that comes out of your mouth?

It makes me feel like I just shouldn't trust people anymore. How many times have I been fucked up by guys AND girls alike (friendship-wise of course for the females) and still haven't learned my lesson? I just want to shut myself off, so this doesn't keep happening. I've often wondered why when I was in school I never went out of my way to get to know anybody after Louise moved away. There's just no fucking point. I know who my friends are, and I don't want anymore.

It hurts that I can't remember sunlight.

I really think my mom is way overdue for a huge cup of shut the fuck up. I can't take her nagging anymore. I can't even stand to hear her voice at this point. I was so happy to come home and relax before she came home and started laying into me about the same monotonous bullshit she is constantly laying into me about. Woman, PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP.

Anyways, I have pms. I'm going to be screaming at everyone all week. I wish I could put the entire world on mute and just listen to Richard. I haven't been this fucking angry or grouchy in ages. Ugh.

Granted, I've only had 2 serious boyfriends my entire life. But I've never felt 100 percent accepted by either of them. The first one never took me to his house, and though I knew his parents, it was just kind of an unspoken rule. The other one was just a straight up ASS that I wasted a year of my life on, and would not so much as introduce me to his mom because she didn't want him dating someone black. That shit ate at my self-esteem for years. I'm just glad that I can finally be comfortable around someone's family and not have to keep my guard up and feel like an outcast or not wanted. It's like all of my dignity is slowly growing back.

Anyways, I'm retardedly exhausted, so when I get home I'm gonna take a three hour nap. Later bitches.

My friend had her baby today. C-section. Scary ass business, but I'm so happy everything went okay and the baby is 6 pounds, she named her Bailey which is a fucking badass name. I can't wait to see her!!!! It's so funny because we always used to talk about being terrified of giving birth and how we'd never have kids, and she's the first one in my close circle to pop one out. Ironically, her twin sister is next to give birth.

I am not sure if I'll ever have children, it's still something I kind of have a neurotic feeling about. But if I do, I'm definitely not popping that thing out of my vag. Fuck THAT.

Today was pretty lame. Worked, boring as fuck, cut my hours in half. I need a new job NOW. I don't know where to look, beggars can't be choosers in this current state the country's in. Retail sucks dick, I hate customer service. Blah blah blah whine whine whine. I just want to sleep this frustration away. But I can't because I have to go back to work in the morning! Sometimes I really feel like just not ever showing up there again. In all seriousness, it's an every day kind of fucking feeling.

Whatever, I'm gonna finish reading this book and try to sleep despite my current irritations.

Better get some dough for the cheese that's about to come your way.

Jesus Christmas, I fucking love this kid. I don't know what I was doing this whole time without him in my life. I feel like my life has fucking gone from dismal and shitty and gray to technicolor and animated and I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm happy. I'm so fucking happy. I'm just not the same person, it's incredible. You're the best.

I've been having a lot of issues with my stomach lately. Last year I got a check up with the gastrologist guy or whatever the fuck the name of that stomach doctor is. Said I have a slight case of IBS. Said I should relax and eat better. Neither of which I have technically done. I'm going on a diet though, I have to stop eating so much shit and not realizing what it's doing to my stomach. On the inside, AND the outside, ew. I just want to feel comfortable, my stomach has constantly been the source of all of my problems. Everytime I feel any kind of emotion the effects go directly towards my stomach, it's so strange. I hope I can fix this.

In other news, Friday we're hittin' up the palisades, haven't been there in like a fucking year. I can't wait to buy shit and eat dinner. Maybe see a movie? I guess we'll see. I really just want to lay around and watch Spongebob all afternoon, but i have to go to work tonight. Boooo.

I have a strange infatuation with grapefruits. They're definitely my favorite fruit now. I started eating them every morning to try and feel healthy and now I fucking need one every day or I feel empty inside. Accordingly, we have none left and I must wait til Friday to buy a whole bunch of those fuckers. I can't wait, srsly.

Please stop wasting my fucking time asking me to hang out and then bailing on me two seconds before hand, probably because you made plans with someone else more fun to hang with than me. I am SO tired of this bullshit. Fucking grow a pair and tell me you don't feel like hanging out. And gimme me my motherfucking cds back. Fuck.

I forgot how much fun Mika is. I just danced like a total ass in my room for 40 minutes. It ruled.

Yoooooooooo, I'm so exhausted! I worked out last night FINALLY after a good 3 months of sitting on my ass every night after work it's really taken it's effect on me. I am too used to taking 2 hours naps and eating junk food every day and starting my affair with soda again has really royally fucked me up. Soooo, I busted mya ss last night and I'm feeling it way too hard right now. My ass is killing me, my back is killing me, my legs, my feet, my arms, jesus it hurts to fucking sit on my bed. I'm gonna sleep soooooooooooo good tonight.

It's a good hurt though, being healthy is awesome, but putting in the effort to get back to that place is so annoying and painful. lol.

If you want to destroy my sweater....

Sooooooo, I didn't get to see Jaime yesterday. I'm MAJORLY bummed out about that shit man. I was really looking forward to hanging out, buying music and eating Red Bamboo which I've ironically enough never had. Sigh. Ah well, I guess it's more of an excuse for me to visit her in VA. I am so tired of White Plains, and Westchester and all that it entails. I need a vacation. Maybe I will take my mom up on her offer to go to Barbados this year, I really miss my family and I REALLY miss my brother. He's been kind of down in the dumps a lot lately and I want to just see him and physically say he'll be fine.

Anyways, work went by really fast today. I'm starting ot think I should just suck it up and stay there a few more months. I mean unless I get a sweet nannying gig, there's no way I'll find a pay each week job like that elsewhere. I'm trying to be more of an optimist this year. We'll see how that pans out, but for now I'm going to get my shit back in order and from there on, things will definitely look up.

I want to start enjoying my life again and stop worrying about so many things that I only have SO much control over. Can I get a hell yeah?

I'd like to sound/come off as not SUCH an angry, insane person all of the time. I think I'm going to work on that. Because I'm really not THAT angry all of the time. My parents just constantly drive me to the brink of fucking insanity. Sigh.



Also vh1 plays the best music videos at 4 am. I have no idea why I am awake right now. I just woke up out of a deep fucking sleep and I can't lay back down right away. I have so many things on my mind.

My dad is such a fucking faget, seriously. I JUST WALKED THROUGH THE GODDAMN DOOR. I've been on my feet all fucking morning and afternoon and as soon as I sit down he starts hysterically ringing the fucking doorbell for me to come downstairs and bring shit up. Dumb motherfucker. And you want to know how many bags were down there? 2 FUCKING BAGS. I want to kick him in the fucking face.

I swear to god, the day I move out of here, they won't know where the fuck I'm going or whether I'm dead or alive. I'm cutting my parents off.

I really have no idea why I am awake right now. i am fucking tired out of my skull and have to wake up at 9 am for my wack ass job. Richard came over today with his sister and we rented Wall-E, even though the ghetto ass dvd didn't work and was all sorts of fucked up , so we ended up watching Harold and Kumar instead. Nothing beats a good weed movie, srsly. On monday I get to see my homegirl, Jaime who came to visit from VA and I am so stoked. I missed her so much.

I HAVE TO START RUNNING AGAIN. I don't give a fuck how cold it is, I need to buy some sweats, stretch and get out on the street again I feel so fucking fat and out of shape, it's disgusting. I can't sit around here fucking waiting til March to roll around. NO excuses, time to stop being a sloth.

Ugh.

I want to quit my job. I want to quit my job. I have been so fucking financially irresponsible the past 6 months, that is not even an option. It's making me immensely depressed. I don't know what to fucking do. I didn't go in today because I feel like shit and I pretty much woke up just now. At nearly 3:30. This is really sad. I have to wake the fuck up and get my life together. I'm falling behind, and I'm falling behind FAST.

Thuuug Liiiife.

Can I stress how much I love stoner movies? For someone who hates weed so very diabolically much, I can't get enough of them. They are hilarious. And Pineapple Express has taken Half Baked's place in my heart as my absolute favorite. Today after work, Richard's buying it and we're going to watch it and die laughing. I am soooooooo stoked. Seth Rogan is the motherfuckin' MAN.