It is absolutely unreal how much I love Augusten burroughs. Ugh, Sellevision was SO good.

It's also unreal how much I was bitching about missing hot weather last week, and for the past 4 days, it's been really fucking hot outside. I have enjoyed every second of it. Tomorrow, however unfortunately, it's back to freezing my ass off. Blah. I really wish I had seen the Fray in February when they played, I have been listening ot them nonstop lately and the new album is fantastic. I need a good show. I can't wait to see WATU for a couple of days next month, I miss those dudes and I miss dancing and having a good time with my friends.

I know I hate my job, and it makes me really miserable and angry and disgruntled, but I have so much to be thankful for. I sometimes sit back and realize how much of a brat I must sound like. I don't feel like a brat today though, today I have nothing to complain about. I'm filled with gratitude.

I want to go to Barbados so bad. I miss my brother a LOT. I worry about him a lot, I miss my niece and nephew, I miss my sister, I miss the beach and the food and the sun and the fact that the rain smells clean. I miss the obnoxious people and the music and the sand and my sister's neighbors. I miss everything. I don't feel like I belong in New York. I have always wondered why I am so miserable here. And now I know why. I don't really want to live here anymore. I feel like I don't belong. I can't take this rain, and the asshole people and the attitudes, and the pollution, and overall bullshit. I want the west coast. I want warm weather year round, I want to move far away from here.

I need a vacation. lately all I've been thinking about is how badly I want to quit my job and it's all I can think about. Ever. I'm not happy. I need a change, I need to get out of Burlington and take a break. And I am so

stuck there. I just want to take Richard and leave.

For the record, I'm feeling 100 percent better. I still have throat issues, but it'll be gone soon thanks to that amoxicillin. I don't think I will ever learn to 'calm down' and 'take it easy' I think being a paranoid, anxiety-ridden individual will haunt me until the end of my days. I try though, that definitely does NOT mean that I do not try. Sigh.

On that note, I look forward to nightmare-less, sweating-through-my-sheets-less nights of sleep again. Being sick really fucked me up. And although I enjoy being skinnier than I already was, being hungry allll of the time is more than making up for lost time. For the time being I am eating whatever I want until my weight is back to normal, it's pretty exciting.

It was really nice out today. 75 degrees, I wore shorts. It ruled. I can't wait until it feels like this (as a minimum) every day. Summer is the best season, and fall being the second best is right after it. So I am REALLY looking forward to the next couple of months.

I love you Abbie <3

On another note. I can't remember living through such a fucking horrible week, ever. EVER.

I feel like crawling in a hole and dying. I still can't hardly swallow my fucking food. Do you know how much it sucks ass to have to swallow your juice twice? I have to squeeze that shit down. I don't know why I'm not being fed in a fucking IV bag by now. I'm miserable, I'm lonely, I'm fuckin gpissed off and I have to go back to my deathcamp job in two hours. I just want to fucking give up.

24 now, weird. I don't feel old, I feel exactly the same. Oddly enough, I felt mad old when I turned 23. I think it's because the years don't even feel like years now, they just feel like months. I can't even believe it's already April. Happy Birthday to me!

I am so upset right now. If i weren't so fucking tired I'd be crying. I have gone out of my way, to be a good friend, to make time for people, to keep hanging out to fucking DO THINGS, and the only two people who seem to give a fuck are abbie, lookman and zanida. Everyone else has fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't had a boyfriend in 5 years. That's 5 years of being totally alone, depressed, thinking about being alone forever, and having absolutely no appeal to the opposite sex. I do NOT see Richard everyday. I do NOT spend every waking fucking moment of my life with him, don't turn this shit around on me, and make it seem like since I have been a loner for so long that I am in desperate need of attention from my boyfriend and I 'have to be with him every goddamn second'. I fucking missed you, I tried to hang out, I made plans and you bailed and never rescheduled. I work fulltime, you work fulltime, it never stopped you from being one of my best friends before. I feel so fucking alienated, I feel like shit, and now I AM crying. Fuck this shit. Ugh.

It seems I've been hit with a huge wave of depression lately. I feel like I have no friends and no family and all I have is Richard. Which is not true, obviously. I have friends that matter, they just don't live closeby. My family....well that's still non-existent but I've learned to get by without them. I have got to learn to depend on myself. I really, really do, for my own benefit. I feel a lot better now though, this town has done way too much of a number on me, the whole time I've been living here (my whole life). I need a vacation, I need a break and I need to suck it up and keep going to my shitty job that I hate until I have enough money to move out and get out of White Plains. It's time to ship up.

Whenever I'm really frustrated or mad, I listen to really shitty metal and poppunk to make me feel better. That being said, I bought the new day to remember cd today to get me out of my funk. They are so fucking repetitive, but some of their songs make me feel SO much better. I must've listened to the kelly clarkson cover 393892783 times ina row, which is not on the new album, which makes me think I should've bought the old one instead, but still. In general, I'm not nearly as angry now. And that's really all that matters. This entry was such crap.

No laughter no loving no contact

Sorry this shit is turning just about as emo as my fucking livejournal. I've been so down in the dumps lately. I think I am at the age where I should not care about friends anymore, according to my mom...but it really sucks when you hate your job, and you hate being at home, and you have to come home directly after your shitty job because you have nobody to hang out with. And nobody wants to hang out. I don't know how many times I can gripe about this before it sinks in that they just don't care about me the way I care about them. I can't seem to let it go. I miss them. I miss them coming over and eating dinner and watching movies and talking shit and shopping and talking about life and how scared we are of everything. I have nobody to talk about those things with anymore, I'm tired of crying over lost friendships, and as much as I want to talk about this with them, they obviously don't care, because if they did, they'd be making as much of an effort as I do to t ry and hang out. I feel just as alone as I did last yea rand the year before that. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again, all I want is for Louise to come back home so I don't feel like I'm totally deserted.