Not much has been going on in this neck of the woods. Had the best weekend yet with Richard, he finally got to stay over and it was so peaceful to go to sleep and still have him there when I woke up again. I am goign to start running again this thursday. I am so excited. I have missed it so much, plus I am so fucking out of shape and need to stop sitting on my ass and eating teddy grahams and watching reality television like i'm fucking 34 years old. Speaking of 34, I'll be 24 in two weeks. I can't even believe how old I am getting. it scares the shit out of me, I have no idea what I am doing with my life still, sigh. I am running out of time it feels like and I don't even have like a clue anymore. It's so funny how set in your tracks you can be, and something stupid can happen to completely throw you off. I used ot know what I was meant to do for so many years and for hte past 2 years it's all gone out of the window and I don't know how or where to start over. I'd have to change my whole major. Because, honestly, what the fuck am I going to do with a communications major with this shit fucking economy? Ugh. I have to do some solid soul searching and figure this out....

In the meantime, I'm going to scrounge for some food and watch food network.

Holy shit son

WATCH THE TRAILER!!! OH man it looks so fucking amazing and cute and spectacular and gutwrenchingly awesome. Going to be the best movie ever ever ever ever EVER!

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/wherethewildthingsare/

Good ska recommendations please?...and GO!

Lovesit

They are making a Where The Wild Things Are movie and it looks fucking incredible just from the pictures. I cannot wait for this movie. I have never been more excited for any other film in my life besides the Chronicles of Narnia.

I'm fucking bored as shit and annoyed. There is nobody to hang out with. It's Saturday and I'm stuck in my goddamn room, I feel like breaking windows.

My bangs are crookedddd. Never trust a Dominican with a haircut. I guess I have to pay 25 dollars to get it straightened out at the mall. Anywho, I have begun to start a to-do list each week so that I can get my shit in order. My life is financially spiralling out of control, and if I ever want to get the fuck out of this apartment, I need to build back up my credit and stop dodging the freecreditreport.com commercials, and man the fuck up and deal. Which means pay my bills on time.

I left work earlyish today because I was too exhausted to do anything at all. I was going to die if I had to ticket one more pair of shoes. I get to see Richard tomorrow and I miss him so much. Uggghhhhhh 3 days is a long ass time. I want hugs. Stat.

Ramble

Been a while since one of my pointless updates. Thursday, we were supposed to go see Fireworks, since I assumed the paint it black show would be sold out...and it was. Which marks the possible millionth time I've missed that fucking band play. So they changed the venue for the Fireworks show at the last minute, and it ended up being in some ass backwards town in Connecticut...2 and a half hours from my house so after we all got here, we realized we wouldn't make it. Decided to go to the Palisades instead. I was in such a bad mood all afternoon, that was one of the hardest days I've had to go through. For other reasons, I guess my pms was just flaming beyond all repair.

Friday I went to the city with Richard, Abbie, and Lookman and it fucking ruled. I always miss the hell out of those two. 2 people that I wish lived closer to make up for the sorry excuses for 'friends' that I have in westchester. My long lost siblings. Anyways, and then yesterday I just hung out with Richard again, I spent most of the weekend with him it ruled, But I always still get bummed when he has to leave. Like I said, my life is in autopilot when he's not there. I'm always done with these corny twilight books. The last one has been the best so far, totally fucking nuts, I feel like I wasted like 1200 pages of nonsense out of my life to get to the violence and awesomeness in the last book. Rules.

Anyways, Final Destination 2 is on, and anyone who knows me should know how much I love those movies and how hilarious they are. I hope they show the 3rd one after. Saw Role Models for the first time last night. It was the shit, why is Paul Rudd the motherfuckin' MAN? I can't WAIT til I love you, Man comes out.

Customer-"I'd like a refund for this krabby patty."
Mr. Krabs-"Well, what's wrong with it?"
Customer-"Oh nothing...except that its covered in TEARS!!!"

I feel so bad when I can't see him everyday. I always get my spirits up to see him after work and then when it doesn't happen, I am so disappointed. I should quit being such a fucking baby. I had blood taken today and I can't even fucking sit up straight. Everything is practically blurry. I have absolutely no energy to do anything. I think I'm going to die if I don't take iron soon. Fuck everything right now.

It's pulling you under, it's gripping around your throat.

This entry is going to seem more like I'm talking to myself than anybody else. I'd rather everyone not read it in all honesty but I can't write in my real journal, I'd fucking have convulsions from crying so much.

I don't have a family. It's pretty much just random members that interact with each other, my mom, me, my brother, Zanida, my sister and my nieces and nephew. Everyone hates each other. And it's not like 'oh she's related to me but i don't like him/her' kind of hate. These people do such poisonous things to each other, and say such hateful shit to each other. And they're all fucking 'Christians' is what I don't understand. This is PRECISELY why I have absolutely no desire to go back to church. I'm not going to sit around a bunch of hypocrites and I'm one myself, I'm not fuckin gperfect, never said I was, but I'm not going to ask for forgiveness for things I'm going to keep on doing. In vain. Fuck that. God can judge me on his own time, but it won't be in church. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

I was reading tonight in my room, and I overheard my mom talking to my sister in Barbados, because anyone that knows my mom, KNOWS that she doesn't talk ever, she yells. She's talking to her about my dad who I often refer to as the sperm donor. I constantly, ever since I was a child, had this instinctive notion to try and get my father to love me. He never has, because he only loves himself and only ever will. He does not even care about his own mother. Who, btw is the kindest person ever. But it's failed, he's always shown me time and time again that I mean nothing to him. His wife means nothing to him. His son means nothing to him. All he cares about is money. It hurts. It's a void that will never be filled. And I don't try to fill it, I just am filled with so much ANGER and hate towards this man. I go back and forth constantly, wishing he were dead, and trying to form some kind of forgiveness towards him. But everytime and I try and forgive him for fucking up all of our lives, he goes and does something to make me hate him all over again.

I don't like hating people. I never have, I battle with anger every single day of my life and most of the time I lose. But I don't like hating people, especially people who should be close to me, people I should love. I just can't love someone who blatantly goes out of their way to hurt me and my mom and my brother and everyone else I care about. Fuck that. So, I digress. My mom's on the phone, telling my sister horror stories about my dad and how he's managed to get everyone in his life to hate him, and everytime she tells these stories my heart feels like it's dying right in my chest. I usually don't hang out with my mother intentionally because the conversation ALWAYS goes back to my dad and how much of a selfish dick he is. I can't help but wonder how sadistic my mom must be, staying with someone like that all of this time and not doing ANYTHING to get out. It's like she likes living in misery, I know she's not weak. She's proven time and time again to be a very strong woman. I've only seen my mom cry two times my entire life. But she keeps all of that anguish bottled up and I'm so scared that one day she is going to fucking implode.

I'm just tired of living like this, with my family all hating each other, my parents hating each other, me hating them separately for their own bullshit. I want to love my family, I want to have a family that can get along. I want to go to my grandmother's house and feel like I'm wanted there, not like my aunt and uncle are waiting for me to leave. This all has come barrelling down on me at once and I just want to crawl in a hole and cry for days.

It's crippling me.

So this afternoon, Casey met me at my job and came over my house just like old times and we sat in my living room, ate tons of junkfood and watched Dexter all afternoon into tonight. Then my mom came home and made us turkey burgers and fries. It was just like old times, and by old times i mean a year ago. I miss her so much sometimes. And it saddens me because she never moved except one town over. I have lost seemingly all of my best friends and it bums me out so much, I'm just glad that for one night I could feel like we're still tight.

I've been a total beast with food lately. Not even like eating too much, but eating a ton of SHIT and not real food. My mom who pretty much only cooks once a week now, which means I really only eat a home cooked meal once a week...the rest of the nights I eat out. Which is making my stomach turn on me like there is no tomorrow and causing me to feel like a fucking sloth. Ugh, I have to learn how to cook. I JUST DO. It's also currently 4 am and I should be sleeping.

I had the most crazy night ever and I don't know how my eyes are going to close anytime soon. I love this boy more and more every fucking day.

PIZZA BAGELS YESSSS

I was so excited to try and apply at American Apparel, I don't know how they do shit there, but I was late for the open call due to public transportation circumstances, and when I showed up the lady told me that they already hired everyone. I am CONVINCED it's because I'm not a hipster. I'm so bummed, I feel like I am never going to escape Burlington. Fuckkkkkkkkkk that. Anyways, I got a haircut today. It rules. I finally feel like I can look in the mirror and say 'Well, I'd fuck me.'

I'm tired of you.

It deeply irritates me that I can't have a normal relationship with my mother. I have stopped trying to have any sort of emotional attachment to my dad years ago, I've been living with a stranger by all means in that sense. But my mom, who I have tried time and time again to connect with, to any fucking extent, still sees me as some kind of disappointment. Today I tried to tell her that I'm goign to a show with Matt tomorrow, instead of saying 'okay, have fun' she jumps down my throat about how I have to go to work the next day, and how I should just stay home and 'rest'. Bitch, I never do anything! I NEVER GO OUT. If you consider going to the movies every two weeks and being at the mall every fucking night (usually by myself) having a good time, something is seriously wrong with you. I'm sick of trying to even form solid sentences around this woman, it ALWAYS ENDS IN A FIGHT. I'm not 15 years old anymore, you can't tell me what to do, you can't make me stay inside every night of the week like it's a fucking school night, I'M NOT IN SCHOOL. I'm fucking shaking I'm so angry everything makes me so fucking angry, I just can't take it anymore. I just have to get out of here. Fuck my life.

I've done nothing my entire goddamn useless life but listen to everything she says and do everything she wants. I'm going to be 24 next month and I still do everything she wants me to do, I'm sick of it, I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of being a disappiontment. She can go fuck herself.

I live with two strangers now.

I am such a brat. I can't see Richard for like 2-3 days which adds up to 4-5 total and it fucking sucks ass. The only time I'm even in a good mood nowadays is when he's around. Shitty. And it's not like anybody else ever wants to fucking do anything so I'm becoming besties with my cat again. At least on Wednesday I get to see Four Year Strong. I'm going to beat up teenagers and get the rage out. Fuck yeah.

I need anger management. I wish I had health insurance still, I need to learn to control these feelings. When I get mad, I cannot calm down. My hands sweat, my blood boils, I need to break things, I get mad at whoever is in the fucking same vicinity. And it doesn't take anything to piss me off. It does not take ANYTHING, to send me spiralling. But you're the exception, I never wanted to get mad at you, I never want to get mad at you, because that hurts me too. Whereas when I get mad at anyone else in the world I do not care. I'm sorry.

I guess I never really looked at my calendar correctly, because the Fireworks show and the paint it black show are both on the same fucking night. I've never seen PIB and I'm dyinggggg to. But I'm also dying to see Fireworks. So much confusion, someone help me decide!