Another weekend without you.

I don't know why I'm crying like a little bitch right now. I think it's because this whole fucking week has been a gigantic DISASTER, everything I planned got fucked up, I'm lonely and hormonal and angry and I hate everything. I busted my asshole all week at work only to be told, oh nevermind, you did all of taht shit for NOTHING because corporate isn't coming anymore, I barely saw Richard and tonight was like the icing on the fucking cake for being angry about that. I don't know, I just really want to scream into a fucking pillow, or off of my rooftop, or in someone's fucking ears. I'm angry I'm angry I'm angry. And I don't know how to stop being angry.

I don't know what to do about these feelings of anger and disappointment anymore. Trying to suppress it just makes it worse.

I should learn to feel indifference about somethings instead of having opinions so powerful they push people away.

I have nothing to update about because my life is monotonous and bland. But in terms of love it is anything but. Yesterday was 5 months and you continue to amaze me each and every day that goes by. I love you.

Jordan, you're annoying me.

love those boys

Also, last night was awesome as per usual. We Are the Union, best guys, best band.

I just got into an argument with my mom about Gay marriage. I've never really talked to her about her brother being gay, or anything concerning gay people. I mean she knows I have plenty of gay friends and I love them all to death. But there was just something on the news about gay marriage and these two lesbians and their kids were being interviewed and she just got SO hateful out of nowhere! I was like, what the fuck is going on? What are you talking about???

She kept saying shit about the bible, and how it's wrong and blah blah blah. And I was like bitch, you don't even go to church! Stop trying to be a Christian, you're just being a hypocrite. It infuriated me that she could think a book that was written 1,000 years ago is still applicable today. Yeah, I believe in God and Jesus Christ, and I ALSO believe that they love everyone, and everyone is equal. If Jesus was so discriminatory, I'm sure he wouldn't have hung out with lepers and whores, and treat everyone with respect. I don't get it. Everyone is so quick to hate people for their choices, and as long as it's not destructive to other people, and it's progression, leave them alone. Nobody comes at you for choosing who you bump uglies with, shit.

Anyways, point being, I think her hatred comes from the fact that her brother died of AIDS, and she blames it on him being gay. Even though he could have gotten it from a woman too, sometimes I want to slap some sense into her.

I can't stop this freight train feeling, rolling over me.

I am so tired it's fucking unreal. I had a good time last night though, that venue was NASTY and a totalllll sausage fest and gross. But WATU played a fucking fantastic set, it was so good to see them again, I always have a lot of fun when they are around. I think today will be a better crowd and more importantly, Jeremy and Val are coming with us so it's going to be pretty much as amazing as December's show.

I have a job interview Tuesday morning with a financial office. I hope to GOD I get it. I am so fucking sick of retail and customers and BULLSHIT. Fuck. I pretty much had my mind set of just not showing up to Burlington anymore, but I know I need them as a reference, and that wouldn't make me look good. Bastards. Anyways, I am going to drink massive amounts of coffee and thank Christ that inventory is over at least. PAYCE.

Lately, I always feel like a big pile of shit.

Just another reason to keep loving give up the ghost

Sitting only cause I couldn't stand towalk much further under black skies with watered eyes
I was watching the tide rolling in
and I was thinking I should move from here and start again
My legs barely hold all of my heart and soul
My ears hardly hear, only our sound is clear
My mouth merely moves, the words just disappear
My eyes see so clear, a reason to care
Maybe we weren't supposed to wake up today
Leaving the room only to celebrate that nothing's changed
If I was there, if you were here
The world could end, I wouldn't care
So wake me up never, please
Lock the door and lose the keys
To set the record straight-
I never could relate and just when it all went wrong, you sang a different song.
Never knew someone that knew how the years had been
And I never thought that I would ever end up like this
So hidden, for and gone, I'm so crowded alone
And I hope you understand, you fixed my broken plan

I have to tell myself this everyday, and it's working less and less.

We all try to make a dent, we're just flesh and bone.

It can't be normal to love paint it black as much as I do. That may be the only good thing Josh ever did for me. But fuck him.

I can't believe how much my parents fight. I'm afraid one of them is going to stab the other one at some point. Two people can't live together this long and just fight and fight and fight without there being some awful violent boiling point. I worry about them constantly, and as much as I hate my dad, I wish he weren't so hateful and angry all of the time. I'm angry all of the time, but I'm not totally self absorbed and ONLY care about myself. I don't get it. I am so sad in this situation, I don't even know what to do anymore. I wish I was as delusional as I was when I was a kid and thought things were normal, and fighting was just what all people did.

That shit's not right.