I'm going to get an ulcer from all of this built up frustration.

ANYWAYS, thankfully I'm off all weekend but I don't think I will be able to do much. I don't know, I have nothing to update about, it's just like Louise said, we BOTH never grew out of our teenage angst. Just into a pathetic self-loathing adult phase. Fuck me.

Give Up.

I give too much of myself to people that I call my friends and then I get disappointed when they don't live up to my expectations. I should know better. I've been so miserable about this for the past couple of months and nothing is changing. Nobody is making me feel any different about this situation. I feel like I just need to tell everyone to fuck off and start from scratch that are supposed to be my best friends. How much longer can you stand disappointment before you just say, I give up?

Give me something to break?

This will be me for the rest of this week. I wish I could sleep through the next 4 days.

Tonight was life changing.

Is it possible to be almost 24 and still not feel like you fit in?

I feel like I have nothing in common with the people who are supposed to be my 'best friends' aside from Zanida. It makes me feel like shit.

My mom was right. I'm just not like them.

I need to start watching Grey's Anatomy again.

I hate living here. Everyday I wake up I feel like this apartment is stealing more of my life away from me. My mom is driving me to the point of fucking INSANITY. I seriously mean it. I can't have a single fucking thought to myself. I just want to be able to relax. I can't even fucking take a nap without her calling me every two goddamn fucking minutes. I'm so angry all of the time, I feel like my head is going to explode. Every second that goes by in this room I feel like crying or breaking windows. Teenagers are supposed to be going through this shit, not someone on the verge of fucking 24 years old. Fuck. I can't control this at all, every morning I just want to leave and not come back and I feel like I'm going to strangle her. I am so upset. And the worst part about all of this is this is all of my fault. If I had been responsible, if I had done what I needed to get done, fuck I could have been out of here ages ago. I always mess up. I ALWAYS mess everything up. I hate feeling sorry for myself. But I just need to cry and feel better and start all over again, because right now I feel like the biggest failure. And nothing rubs failure in better than my mother.

It's such BULLSHIT that they got rid of Fabio from top chef. Jesus. I am so bummed. They got rid of everyone that was awesome. Carla better take that shit home, or heads will be ROLLING.

I had a really good day today. It was one of those days that was just really relaxing and good from start to finish. Sad that I have to go back to the shitpile known as my job tomorrow. Although, I'm thinking I have a really good chance at landing that office job. My mom's boss is gonna show me around at some point, so hopefully they take me! And if they do, peace the fuck OUT Burlington, UGH.

Stupid cat just scared me halfway to death. I fucking thought the zombie apocalypse was finally upon us when I woke up from my awful night nap and heard this loud scratching at my fire escape window that I so intelligently left wide open. That OR a raccoon which would both be fucking terrifying. But no. It was just Peter, clawing at a raccoon that wasn't being creepy people-handed...he was just chilling outside. That cat drives me fucking insane sometimes.

Anyways, I've not been utilizing my gym membership. Instead I've been eating everything in fucking sight. I am such a fat ass. Tomorrow gym or bust.

Someday you'll understand that everything is A-OK.

I saw the twins today. Odalis and Omaris. They came into the store to say hi. Odalis is SO pregnant. They both look beautiful. And I got to see Omaris' baby again. Such a cute kid already, and really quiet. I guess she takes after her mom. This is going to turn into a rant in a bit, but I wanted to just say that I guess when you're pregnant you really do glow or some shit, because they both just looked radiant.

Anyways, I've never been one to rush into relationships. It's just one reason I've been alone for ages. I would rather be by myself, than be with someone who treated me like shit, hurt me, cheated on me, or played games with me. That being said, Odalis has to go to court on Wednesday for domestic violence. That stupid son of a fucking cow that she's married to beats her. I can't fathom someone my own age being stuck in a situation like that, these are two of my favorite people, and when she told me all of that shit I wanted to fucking cry. It really hit a little too close to home. The saddest part is that she is choosing to stay upstate with him. It's sad. Really sad and gross, that someone cn have that much control over somebody. I know she's afraid, but I hope she makes the right fucking decision and comes back home so that her kid can be safe when it's born. I have NEVER trusted that stupid asshole she chose to marry, I've hated him AND his brother ever since high school and now I have even more of a reason to. I had better not ever, EVER see him on the street. Because I will bash his fucking face in.

Ugh, it just irritates me. Because as much as I love the twins, they've always been the kind of girls to rush into dating people. I know their parents were REALLY strict, and always wanted to control them and tell them waht to do, and now they're dating people and are married to guys that do the same. When is the right time to break that kind of lifestyle? Maybe they thought being with someone would save them from their parents, but in reality it just makes everything worse. Because at least your parents look out for your best interest, and these guys just want to stake a weird claim on them. It sickens me. It reminds me of my parents' relationship. And that always, ALWAYS makes me fucking sad.

I just hope the right thing happens in the end and Odalis comes back home.

Last night was Gaby's birthday shindig. It was a lot of fun. I of course got really nauseated though because me and Asian food do not mix. At all. But it was fun to watch them cook the food for us and everyone was really hilarious and then we went to see the Uninvited which was pretty awful. The ending was actually cool though, I was expecting your typical horror movie bullshit, but at least the end was solid.

I guess today is Valentine's day. I haven't had a valentine in 5 years....I never really gave a shit about this holiday because I've almost always been by myself on it. But I think today will be good. I'm still tired from yesterday though, so I'm gonna take a nap before Richard shows up.

Also, taking the last train is always a bad idea. Drunk people are embarrassingly stupid. If you are a woman and are falling all over yourself and screaming on a train and wearing fuck-me pumps, and smell like the bottom of a beer barrell, that is not fucking attractive. I've never thought drunk women were attractive, it's shows no fucking class whatsoever. Find a hobby, goddamn.

Sometimes I get unreasonably scared for no reason at all. I wouldn't classify it as paranoia...just anxiety. I think that is where the panic attacks come from. I almost had one a couple of nights ago. I fought it off with a glass of water. That usually helps. But for the most part, I've been battling this irrational fear of being alone my whole life. I'm not alone right now. But I am still afraid. What kind of life is a life lived in fear?

I need some rest. Some rest and to stop thinking so fucking much.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

The weather today was fucking beautiful. I was in work all morning/afternoon though so I really only got to enjoy 20 minutes of it. Fucking sucks. I'm about to go to the gym. Even though I missed most of it, it felt awesome to have the sun on my face and not have to thaw myself after I got back indoors. I don't care how bad my allergies are this year, I can't fucking wait for spring.

Yesterday was good, Richard came over and I kind of ended up smuggling him into my bed to sleep a few extra hours beside me which ruled. I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything in the world. Even after have a bad dream, I completely forgot what it was about when I woke up and he was right there. Le motherfucking sigh.

Something is seriously mentally wrong with that woman who had those fucking octuplets. First of all, isn't 6 babies at one time ENOUGH for a lifetime? MORE THAN ENOUGH? Sicko, seriously. And then to get invitro-ed again and 'accidentally' have 8? Woman, you need therapy. Maybe you have some sick addiction to popping 8 fetuses out of your vag at one time. Maybe in a past life you were a dog or a cat. Because only animals do shit like that. Creeper.

EVERYTIME I LOOK FOR YOU THE SUN GOES DOWN

As pissed off as i was all weekend, this news totally makes up for it.

Welcome back, Mark, Tom, and Travis.

I have been angry this entire weekend. I'm lucky I didn't get a fucking aneurism with the rate that my blood pressure is boiling. Fuck.

I hate blogger.

Here's the link for the entire picture. www.asofterworld.com

I joined the gym today. I know, I know, I know I've been totally against gyms for as long as I can remember. I hate the thought of PAYING to work out when I know perfectly well i can work out at home. For FREE. But, it's freezing fucking cold outside, and as much as I hate to admit to myself, running has become my other life and I can't run in this shit. I can do all the crunches and pushups and free weighting I want at home, but if I can't run, I feel like I just wasted an hour of my life. I need that fucking treadmill at least until it gets warm outside again. Then my mom can take over my membership.

I just cannot wait to run.

I am going in tomorrow after work and I'm going to sweat and be sore and it's going to fucking rule. Also it will help me get out all of the pent up anger I've been brewing in for the past week. I swear, I don't know what to do with myself sometimes.

Also,

Good day to wake up crying I suppose.

Last night when Richard came over, my parents were actually in the same room 'getting along'. I told him that shit only happens once a year. In other words, it's ALWAYS the quiet before the storm. I knew the sperm donor was brewing up a fight in his head. He always tricks my gullible mom into thinking he can be cordial and then he blows up at her the very next day. To my 'surprise' I woke up to him screaming at her at the top of his lungs....and it begins.

This shit never gets old, I swear, every fucking time they fight, it's like a knife going through me. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of crying over them and crying for my mom and crying because somehow I ALWAYS get thrown in the middle of their war. I'm never going to get out of here, I'm going to be stuck here forever. Please kill me.

New AIM sn. Pizza Plants. Add it.

humiliation at its best

That would be my triflin' sister. I remember when she first came ot visit she thought I was fucking cracked out. She may have been correct. I can't believe it was THAT bad. hahaha. But, but but my Blink wall totally made up for it. If you look to the left, you can see the beginnings of it lol. I also like how creative i got when i ran out of pictures i totally used stickers and made up my own shit. I was one braindead 16 year old lol.

Rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin', WHAT?!

he is legend are so fucking good.

Later tonight I have to upload the scary picture of my room circa 2001 when I still was in love with the LB and all that it entailed. I can't believe my room was covered ceiling to floor with limp bizkit bullshit. Seriously embarrassing, but I promised Peggy hahaha. It'll be entertaining at least. I kind of miss being 16. I didn't know it at the time, but fuck, those were good days. I took everything for granted. I take everything for granted.

I'm trying to slow my roll a little bit more and not let life slip through my fingers as fast. Being an optimist is draining.

Ouchiez.

I honestly don't want to pan out my own employment future here, because I know that wouldn't be for the best,...but I really don't know why my job hasn't fired me yet. I called out today because I feel like fucking hell. I CRAWLED out of bed this morning and I'ma bout to go right back in it. I hate my uterus, it's done nothing but cause me pain and torment my entire life. Ugh.

So yeah, I just applied at the Ritz Carlton, I have no hotel experience...but maybe they're desperate and will take me anyway. God, I need a new job. I'm about to hit up that daycare near my mom's job. Word.

I WANT THIS FUCKING WEEK TO BE OVER ALREADY.