I feel like I'm losing two of my best friends. Whenever something really awesome happens to me, something shitty happens directly afterward. I guess it keeps things on an even keel. But it's fucking stupid. And it's not even my fault that these people are drifting away. One is a huuuuuge fucking flake and the other one who moved across the goddamn united states to california is acting like I'm dead for some reason and won't say a word to me. I don't know what I did or what I said or how I've 'acted' to make her not speak to me. But she just won't and I've been reaching out time and time again to be there for her and I just keep getting the cold shoulder. I'm tired of trying, I really miss these two people and it makes me really bummed to think that shit like this is ending but what else can I possibly do? I don't fucking know. People are stupid.

I'm glad I have a couple other best friends who have my back no matter fucking what. Word.

Today I'm reuniting with Buffalo Mike and going to brunch with him and Richard before work. I'm so fucking tired though, I literally stayed up half the night last night and now I have to be at work for 10 hours today and tomorrow. Sucks ass. I am trying to cut the junk food out of my diet I'm feeling pretty fat and that's not a good feeling. Even though today I'm going to a diner for brunch hahaha so there goes that idea for now. But I'm finally done with soda. Yesterday was my LAST day of drinking that vile substance I swear. I just can't continue rotting my insides with that shit. Anyways, I'm gonna get going, more updates later.

Nat King Cole Christmas songs pwn your face.

Well I hope everyone is enjoying their Christmas so far. I am having a mild one so far, nobody is fighting which is more than I could ever ask for. I gave my parents their presents, my dad gave me lottery tickets like he does every year. My mom gave me her same sorry ex cuse for not getting me anything, but I don't really expect shit from my momz b/c she does a lot of shit for me throughout the year and she just got me this bed last month so I'm still pretty stoked on that. I'm really tired though, I want to go back to bed and not help cook or deal with guests later. I just want Richard with a bow in my bed lol.

I bought Spongebob toothpaste last week because I love bubblegum toothpaste and Spongebob. But I just realized why every kid I used to babysit who had those kiddie toothpastes, the tubes were all fucking messed up and shit was coming out of it on the sides, because it is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to get that stuff out of the tube. And it sticks everywhere. Lmao, I guess that's because they don't want kids to have easy access to something so delicious that is supposed to taste gross. Who knows?

I had to introduce Richard to my dad last night, it was so awkward lmfao. I'm glad I could hibernate in my room with him the rest of the night without having to deal with those two b/c they make everything SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Ugh. I can't wait til they both go back to work next week. Blah. Today I have to clean, and hopefully see Milk with Mike who came to visit from Buffalo.

Well he asked me out last night. I am overwhelmingly stoked about it. I was never going to say anything if he hadn't and I'm so glad that I FINALLY stuck to my guns and kept my mouth shut and let the guy do it. I feel like everything finally fell into place and I finally met someone that is a genuinely nice person. Fuck yes.

I am so bummed out right now. Holidays always make me insanely depressed because my family is so fucked up. Every year it is the same shit. I go out of my way to buy everyone something and every year they all sit around and talk shit and gossip about one another. It breaks my heart every time. I just want us all to love each other, I just want us all to get along. I can't even go to my grandmother's house anymore without feeling like I'm not wanted there because I am my dad's kid. Everyone hates my dad EVERYONE. I almost can't fucking take it anymore. The general disdain you can see on everyone's faces when they talk about each other behind the other one's back. We're a fucking FAMILY.

If you don't have a family, what the fuck do you have? I think this is why I have always held my friends closer ot me than them because my friends are the family I CHOSE for myself. Not a bunch of hateful, disrespecting idiots that are blood relatives but have no idea how to fucking act like it. I'm tired of crying over this and feeling like a fucking outcast in my own house and my own family. Everything sucks.

And I miss louise so fucking much. I called her a few weeks ago and she promised she'd call back and never did. I just wish she still thought of me as her best friend, it is clear that she does not. I never thought her moving to California would change everything and it has. It is evident that nothing is the same and it sucks. I want her to be happy and I want to be there for her, but she won't let me in anymore. I feel like she shut me out and just like everything else in my life, I don't fit in.

I don't like feeling sorry for myself or being bummed out and depressed but so many annoying upsetting things are going on right now, between my family and my friends and my job sucking so much ass. I just want to crawl in a hole for the next two years. Being heavy hearted sucks.

Also, confuckinggratulations to these dudes, some of my favorite people, one of my favorite bands. It could not have happened to a more deserving bunch. MAD LOVE!

I do not struggle in your web, because it was my aim to get caught.

I am so awkward with boys. Fuck. Hung out with Richard again today, I almost declined because of the fucking blizzard we got smacked with. IN which I decided to trek through with Converses on. Brilliance! It was awesome though, I fucking love snow sometimes. The first snowfall is ALWAYS THE BEST. After that it sucks ass. Also a snow plow skidded down my hill and knocked over our stop sign. I could not stop loling. Pics later.

I just wish I knew what he was thinking because whenever I don't want to hang out or like I say we can reschedule he is persistent in keeping plans. And there is ALWAYS that awkward tension because I am dying to just say something or make a move and I wonder if he is and I just can't come out and ask or say anything. I am so tired of these issues. I don't want to have to like people. I don't want to get rejected, and my fear of that freezes me in my tracks. I have NO patience when it comes to matters of the heart. I just don't. I never will. And that makes the wait even worse. Everyone keeps telling me it's obvious I should do something, but they haven't been where I've been a million times before. Whenever I think I'm in, I'm not. Whenever I think someone likes me, they don't. They just see me as a friend. I am always ALWAYS in the friendzone. That's just something I'll never get.

I hope this time is different. Please let it be different.

My mom is a nanny, she started watching this baby about 3 years ago, he was about two weeks old. He is the single cutest, sweetest kid I've ever been blessed enough to hang out with. He never throws fits, he never has tantrums, he's not spoiled, he's really funny and awesome. I love this kid like he was my little brother or something, so his parents are moving on Saturday, they had another kid earlier this year who's about to be a year old. That kid is just as rad. It's amazing how the shittiest people have the most beautiful, amazing children. I had to watch the kid every day for a month when my mom had knee surgery in 06' it was like the most fun I've had every day going to work, it just bums me out that I'll probably never see him again. I know this is starting to sound all sentimental and corny, but we both love those kids so much I really hope he grows into a great young man.

I've never wanted children, but being around this kid makes me want to rethink those decisions. hahaha.

My leg is finally healed. No more itching and scabbing and gross flaking like I was motherfucking Gold Member because I was so intelligent, decided to get such a big piece on my leg in the middle of winter and had to wear jeans over it, all it did was flake. Grossss. It kind of snowed last night, but it was more like a shitty dusting and everything looks dirty now. You know what I mean? The snow that just makes everything look gray instead of white, weak. I want to go sledding and hit people in the face with that stuff. I don't want to slip on the sidewalk b/c of ice patches!

Friday I'm going to see YES Man with Richard. So stoked, I can't wait to laugh uncontrollably because Jim Carrey is a comedic God amongst mortals. I applied at Planet Fitness last night, only shortly after realizing they only pay 8 bux an hour. I am not sure if I want to leave my current shitty job, only to start working at another for even LESS money. I feel like I'm downgrading instead of progressing. I'm 23 years old and making like 8.50 an hour. That is sad, my friends. I'm going to keep searching though, there's got to be something better out there! That sentence can be applicable in so many areas of my life right now.

After the shit my manager thought would be cute to pull on me last night, I'm going to get up to date on every single one of my bills. And once I do that, I'm quitting that piece of shit job. Fuck THAT. It should take me another month. Which will suck ass, but it'll be gone before I know it.

I haven't cried in months. Being forced to bring closure to things sucks it hard. I really wish it didn't have to be this way.

I can't really step foot in the kitchen right now...my dad is eating an entire broiled fish at 10:30 am and I am about to vomit everywhere....fucking Bajans. Can't you eat a normal breakfast? Ugh.

Top Chef marathon and another date with my space heater, which I am increasingly falling more in love with as time goes by. Fuck yes. Also if WATU makes any Warped dates one of those motherfucks better be in the Tri-State AREA!!!

You're a gambleeee, I got nothing left to lose!

So, since I refuse to set foot in my popz' room, mymom finally brought me out the space heater today. No more nights freezing my boobs off in this bedroom. I am so warm and toasty and awesome!

I went out today with the intention of looking for a new job, but instead I ended up eating way too much food and cheesecake at Starbucks. I guess that's a sign I'm getting better, but now all of that food feels like it's sitting nestled in my stomach instead of digesting, so maybe I spoke too soon hahaha. Whatever. That was like a tastebud orgasm explosion in my mouth. Awesome.

I want a Spongebob tattoo, I NEED a Spongebob tattoo. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what quote, or picture or what the fuck to get because of my brownness, I can't get his actual colors because it won't show up. So I've decided upon the next best thing motherfuckers, best episode ever. Frankendoodle!

You're so new.

So Richard, being the awesome fucking person that he is, came over and brought me chicken noodle soup and ginger ale today and helped me put up my tree and it looks marvelous. That shit only took like 30 minutes whereas whenever I try to do it with anyone else it takes like 2 hours minimum. How can one person rule so hard?

Onto serious matters though, I really am very protective of my heart. Well my feelings. Whatever, that thing that sometimes likes to beat in my chest but is barely kicking nowadays. I don't let anyone near it. The last person I let near it fucked it up beyond repair, and I'm starting to really like Richard. I just feel really comfortable around him, he makes me laugh really hard, he's so damn cute and NORMAL and just a genuinely nice person. I can usually feel out someone's motives, and I can't feel his out. I just think he's a good kid. But like I said, I don't want to like anyone at all right now, I'm not ready. I don't want to get hurt again and I don't feel like attempting to put that trust into a dude because we all know how I feel about them at the moment. But....

he's so new.

Sooooooooooooooooooo. Want to hear something ironic as fuck? I called out of work yesterday because I was too tired to get out of bed.

I went to work today. Felt AWFUL. Threw up twice. Came home. Fever. Everything hurts so bad. I can't move. Well except my fingers to type this shit out lol. Fuck me, I have the flu. Which means, no work tomorrow, no richard tomorrow, no nothing. Bummedsville. I also wish I could see WATU again tomorrow at the space but no such luck. I just want a fucking gallon of orange juice and a backrub.

My sister called my momz this morning and told her as far as she's concerned she has no mother, that her mom is dead. Who the fuck does shit like that? My mom has done NOTHING but do everything for this bitch, she sent her money when she was bone poor, she defended her when she was being an asshole to all the rest of my siblings, and then she goes and starts hanging out wiht my crazy fucking aunt, who brainwashed her with all sorts of lies and gossip about my mom...and now she wants nothing to do with us. ANY of us. Even me. I've never done anything to this stupid ho either. I went to Barbados last summer for two weeks and I was supposed ot be staying with said sister, she ditched me the ENTIRE two weeks I was there to spend it with her stupid faghag boyfriend and wouldn't even drive me to the airport my last day there. It was heartbreaking. Ever since then she's not said one word to me and it sucks. Oh, not to mention she got pregnant by said boyfriend who dumped her directly after. I don't understand the logistics of women whatsoever. A man is never going to be there for you, you have yourself and that's fucking it. Stick by your friends and your family, stop thinking that popping out a kid for some asshole is going to make him stay. Because it won't.

Now she has two kids and no family. Good job, bitch.

I bought my official first pair of heels today. They're boots with heels, technically. But they are fucking HOT. And they make me feel like a goddamned woman. I can't believe how long I've been grunging around in sneakers and flip flops and flats and being half of the fucking sex goddess I could be if I just put a pair of heels on. I can sacrifice being comfortable, to be hot. I'm tired of being an overlooked tomboy. It's time to be fuckin' sexy. Hell and yeah.

The rest of us will find happiness in misery.

So uh, it seems that every morning I wake up, I am DYING OF THIRST. I don't really know why. I have been lagging on the water consumption as of late, and I think that's probably why. I usually just chug a cup of tea, and then when I get to work chug a cup of coffee, but I should probably get some water intake in between all of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know my liquid intake is SO interesting!

I'm just really grateful this weekend has totally ended. I have been in my house since Friday night and only left for less than an hour to go to Target on Saturday. Depressing as fuck, and I had SO MUCH TIME to think about things I don't want to think about. It's too cold to run, I am too broke ot join a gym, and as aforementioned my friends kind of suck dick. The ones that live in my area anyway. I've hit an all time low level of lonely and of course this would happen right as Christmas is co ming around. No wonder this is the highest time of year for fucking suicides. Jesus.

Anyway, onto happier topics, I have come to peace at last with the Josh situation. I am okay with everything. And from this point onward, I don't care. I really want another cat, also. I'm gonna start looking into that.

Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt.

Ugh, so back to reality today. I slept til 4 pm and tried my best to find someone to chill with with no success, so I headed on over to Target and bought some shit to keep my mind off my crippling loneliness. But it felt worse being out and seeing everyone with their friends and boyfriends knowing I am by myself. White Plains is becoming a very painful reminder that I need to move away. I am tired of this town, I have lived here 95 percent of my life and I'm so over it and the people here too. I need change, I need to go somewhere where nobody fucking knows who I am, where I can see things that don't remind me of things I don't want to be reminded of. I want to make new memories and interact with new people and be happy with my surroundings, because I sure as fuck am not happy with my surroundings here.

I am legitimately bummed.

Let's toast the night away to friends, and forget about tomorrow!

Best times ever with the best people ever.

JohnxRyan and his mighty saxophone!



Jeremy making his awesome Jeremy faces!



Matt in all of his glory!



Jim going at it!



Reed!



And last but not least, Richard being cute =)

Holy fuck. Tonight was bananas. I hung out with my favorite people ever, saw one of my favorite bands/favorite friends and I will be completely honest. It really REALLY hurt my feelings to have to see Josh all night and not be able to talk to him. But I made this decision and now I just have to stick with it. Even though it is killing me. I still had a blast, and I laughed so hard that I cried, and seriously John, Jim, Benson, Matt, Ricky and Reed...6 of the best dudes ever. I can't wait to do it all again tomorrow. Pictures will ensue. Goodnight I gotta be up at 5 am for work. Fuck me.

Truth: I have never been more excited to eat dinner.

Also Truth: CANNOT WAIT FOR TOMORROW.

I really miss old Mariah Carey. She used to be SOO GOOD before she went crazy. I'm going to get all nostalgic and emo and listen to her all night.

When masturbation's lost it's fun, you're fucking breaking.

IIIIIIIII want affectionnnnn. Godddddddd. Most annoying feeling ever.


Richard is coming with us to WATU on thursday. So psycheddddd, I really like that kid a lot and he has been making solid attempts to chill without me having to provoke it. Good sign, good sign. Aside from that? Nothing is fucking going on at ALL. Again during the week I am bored as fuck because all of my friends work opposite schedules, or live too far away or go to school fulltime, or just fucking suck ass. I like winter because I like when everything is dead and dormant, it makes me feel weird and tingly inside, probably because I too am pretty fucking dormant a majority of the time. I know I said that I didn't want to like anyone for a while, or date anyone or fucking deal with anything concerning the opposite sex. But winter always makes me really frustrated and lonelier and in diar need of that old familiar feeling inside. Bah, humbug.

My stomach feels like ass. Literally. I don't know what's goign on with me but I hope it disappears by Thursday or I'm gonna be a really un happy camper at those shows. Jaykay, jaykay, watu always puts me in a miraculously great mood. I am about to eat the most delicious turkey burger with fries (compliments of momz dukez) and I am stooooooooked. I feel like I haven't had a real meal since Thanksgiving. I was too nauseated to eat any of the leftovers lol. So weak. I gotta start looking for a new job right away because my manager's quitting the end of this month and I plan on leaving with him. Fuck that store.