I am so bummed out right now. Holidays always make me insanely depressed because my family is so fucked up. Every year it is the same shit. I go out of my way to buy everyone something and every year they all sit around and talk shit and gossip about one another. It breaks my heart every time. I just want us all to love each other, I just want us all to get along. I can't even go to my grandmother's house anymore without feeling like I'm not wanted there because I am my dad's kid. Everyone hates my dad EVERYONE. I almost can't fucking take it anymore. The general disdain you can see on everyone's faces when they talk about each other behind the other one's back. We're a fucking FAMILY.

If you don't have a family, what the fuck do you have? I think this is why I have always held my friends closer ot me than them because my friends are the family I CHOSE for myself. Not a bunch of hateful, disrespecting idiots that are blood relatives but have no idea how to fucking act like it. I'm tired of crying over this and feeling like a fucking outcast in my own house and my own family. Everything sucks.

And I miss louise so fucking much. I called her a few weeks ago and she promised she'd call back and never did. I just wish she still thought of me as her best friend, it is clear that she does not. I never thought her moving to California would change everything and it has. It is evident that nothing is the same and it sucks. I want her to be happy and I want to be there for her, but she won't let me in anymore. I feel like she shut me out and just like everything else in my life, I don't fit in.

I don't like feeling sorry for myself or being bummed out and depressed but so many annoying upsetting things are going on right now, between my family and my friends and my job sucking so much ass. I just want to crawl in a hole for the next two years. Being heavy hearted sucks.