It's pulling you under, it's gripping around your throat.

This entry is going to seem more like I'm talking to myself than anybody else. I'd rather everyone not read it in all honesty but I can't write in my real journal, I'd fucking have convulsions from crying so much.

I don't have a family. It's pretty much just random members that interact with each other, my mom, me, my brother, Zanida, my sister and my nieces and nephew. Everyone hates each other. And it's not like 'oh she's related to me but i don't like him/her' kind of hate. These people do such poisonous things to each other, and say such hateful shit to each other. And they're all fucking 'Christians' is what I don't understand. This is PRECISELY why I have absolutely no desire to go back to church. I'm not going to sit around a bunch of hypocrites and I'm one myself, I'm not fuckin gperfect, never said I was, but I'm not going to ask for forgiveness for things I'm going to keep on doing. In vain. Fuck that. God can judge me on his own time, but it won't be in church. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

I was reading tonight in my room, and I overheard my mom talking to my sister in Barbados, because anyone that knows my mom, KNOWS that she doesn't talk ever, she yells. She's talking to her about my dad who I often refer to as the sperm donor. I constantly, ever since I was a child, had this instinctive notion to try and get my father to love me. He never has, because he only loves himself and only ever will. He does not even care about his own mother. Who, btw is the kindest person ever. But it's failed, he's always shown me time and time again that I mean nothing to him. His wife means nothing to him. His son means nothing to him. All he cares about is money. It hurts. It's a void that will never be filled. And I don't try to fill it, I just am filled with so much ANGER and hate towards this man. I go back and forth constantly, wishing he were dead, and trying to form some kind of forgiveness towards him. But everytime and I try and forgive him for fucking up all of our lives, he goes and does something to make me hate him all over again.

I don't like hating people. I never have, I battle with anger every single day of my life and most of the time I lose. But I don't like hating people, especially people who should be close to me, people I should love. I just can't love someone who blatantly goes out of their way to hurt me and my mom and my brother and everyone else I care about. Fuck that. So, I digress. My mom's on the phone, telling my sister horror stories about my dad and how he's managed to get everyone in his life to hate him, and everytime she tells these stories my heart feels like it's dying right in my chest. I usually don't hang out with my mother intentionally because the conversation ALWAYS goes back to my dad and how much of a selfish dick he is. I can't help but wonder how sadistic my mom must be, staying with someone like that all of this time and not doing ANYTHING to get out. It's like she likes living in misery, I know she's not weak. She's proven time and time again to be a very strong woman. I've only seen my mom cry two times my entire life. But she keeps all of that anguish bottled up and I'm so scared that one day she is going to fucking implode.

I'm just tired of living like this, with my family all hating each other, my parents hating each other, me hating them separately for their own bullshit. I want to love my family, I want to have a family that can get along. I want to go to my grandmother's house and feel like I'm wanted there, not like my aunt and uncle are waiting for me to leave. This all has come barrelling down on me at once and I just want to crawl in a hole and cry for days.

It's crippling me.